


I’ll take back the stars to find you

by evaricious



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Klance Week 2017, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining!Keith, Pining!Lance, klance, klangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evaricious/pseuds/evaricious
Summary: "Lance, how long have we been paladins?”Keith’s eyes darted between Pidge and Lance, eyes widening in horror as an easy grin spread over Lance’s face.“Oh, that’s easy. Like a couple of months or something?” Lance announced happily, his smile slowly fading at the serious looks his friends were giving him.“…right?” he asked hesitantly, eyes coming to rest on Keith as he backed away from him slowly.“Keith?”Lance is injured but that's just par for the course, right? The pods have never let the Paladins down before but something this time just isn't right. Why can't Lance remember the last year in space? Will he ever recover his lost memories? And what will Keith do when Lance doesn't know him anymore?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love Voltron and Klance so I *had* to do something for Klance Week. I looked at the prompts and though, "why not all of them?" so for Day Seven: Free Day have a Klance Amnesia AU^^  
> This is the first fic I’ve written for Voltron so if I’m OOC I’m sorry and ashamed. Also this is a much bigger cast than I’m used too so many characters to worry about!!  
> aaand I’m also supposed to be studying, instead I've been working on this all week smh...

 

“Careful, Keith. No heroics today, ok?”

Shiro’s warning came through the comms to a collective groan from the younger paladins.

“We _know_ , Space Dad,” Lance interjected, laying down some covering fire for the Red paladin to get in closer to their target.

“I know, Shiro. In and out, I promise.” Keith’s voice was determined as the red lion dropped towards the ship.

They had raced across the galaxy for this, the castle picking up a distress call for immediate assistance. The Detra, having long lived under the thumb of Zarkon had heard of Voltron and finally taken a stance against their oppressors, which had unfortunately not gone well for them.

Their rash actions had resulted in their Princess being taken captive and held hostage in orbit on a Galra ship. Princess Allura had rushed them to the scene, wasting no time in preparing a rescue mission.

“Keith, you sure you got this?” Lance asked again as Blue swung around to hover just out of range of the cannons.

“Lance, we discussed this.” Keith sounded impatient as he ducked down the first corridor, stopping briefly to check the map Pidge had pinpointed the captured princesses cell on.

“You’re too easily distracted to pull this off.”

The blue paladin scoffed, his lion baying his head in indignant agreement as a blast of laser fire narrowly missed them.

“Woah,” Lance manoeuvred out of the way just in time to a chorus of groans and a knowing snicker from Keith.

“Told ya,” he said smugly.

“Cut the chatter, you two.” Shiro chastised them before updating them on the situation.

“We’ve got control on the ground. Hunk’s on his way back to help you take out that ship.”

“Roger that, Shiro. I’ve got the princess. Returning to Red now.”

A sudden explosion rocked the Galra ship, flames dancing across the bow as the damage spread.

“Keith?” Lance’s worried voice cut through the comms immediately.

The blue lion was already rocketing towards the ship as the rest of the team’s voices chimed in.

“Guys, what was that?” Hunk called, his lion a distant yellow spec slowly growing larger.

“That might have been the rebels; the explosion seemed to originate in the engines.” Keith replied as the comms picked up Lance swearing.

“What’s happening up there?” Shiro called over everyone.

“It’s fine, we’re miles away.” Keith called in, and Lance relaxed as he saw the red lion rise from the purple ship.

“Phew. Don’t scare me like that babe.” His relief was palpable as Keith replied,

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Lance whistled appreciatively as Hunk’s voice rang out.

“Aww, you two.” He cooed at them, earning a scoff from Keith and a laugh from Lance before Pidge cut them off.

“Ugh. Can you flirt on your own time? We’ve still got Galra to defeat.”

“Right you are, Pidge.” Lance’s said, cockiness at maximum as he swung Blue around in a lazy arc.

“Time to finish these guys off-“

Another explosion cut him off and Blue moved out of the way, swinging around to avoid the flames that exploded outwards from the aft of the ship.

“Woah, these guys are really going to town.” Lance laughed before turning back and zooming closer to the ship.

“Uh, guys? I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

Blue was tearing across the ships surface, explosions in his wake as metal claws ripped into the hull.

Lance was ignoring Hunk’s caution, too busy with tearing the Galra ship apart to care. Everything was going perfectly; Shiro, Hunk and Pidge had easily broken through the Galra’s ground defences, Keith had grabbed the hostage and Lance was going to save the day when Blue ate this stupid frigate for breakfast.

He skidded to a stop, watching in satisfaction as the flare-ups lit up the hull until a purple light engulfed his lion.

“Lance!”

He couldn’t move as arcs of energy zapped across the control panel, the cockpit aglow in purple light.

“What’s happening? Lance!”

“I don’t know! I can’t move!”

An explosion wracked the ship immediately below his lion and he was roughly thrown him from his seat, hitting the control panel and gasping as the air was knocked from his lungs.

“Ugh, ow.” He complained, struggling to his feet, relieved that he seemed to be able to move freely again.

“What the quiznak was _that_?” he complained as he checked over the controls.

“You ok, Blue?” he murmured, running a hand over the panel reassuringly.

Another explosion rocked the blue lion and suddenly a bolt of purple lightning shot up from the ship below, hitting the cockpit and knocking Lance off his feet in an explosion of light.

“Lance? Lance!” Keith called, closest to him as the red lion approached alongside.

“Take out that ship, now!” Shiro commanded, and the green and yellow lions moved to flank him as they followed the rest of the plan.

When Lance opened his eyes again the cockpit was a smoking mess. He could smell the acrid stench of fried electrics, the occasional arc of electricity crackling through the air as he tried to respond to his team.

“ _Kei_ -“

He couldn’t get the sound out, the syllable stuck in his throat as he listened to the voices still coming through his comms.

“Lance? Answer me!” Keith continued to call frantically as he watched Blue hanging limply in space, the beat-up façade of the space lion showing just how badly he had been hit.

With no answer Keith felt he had little choice, turning to the Princess and pulling her towards the pilot’s seat.

“Sorry, Your Highness,”

Ignoring the increasingly frantic calls of his teammates he reached out to put a hand on the control panel, the lights under his fingers blinking reassuringly as he made up his mind.

“Red, take the Princess back to the castle.” He could hear Red’s purr of agreement, easing his fears as he leapt into the cold vacuum of space.

It was torture to move. Lance let his eyes travel around the cockpit, the only part of him that moved without seizing his breath with pain. He could hear Keith’s voice in his ear, drowning out the others. He tried to smile, knowing that Keith was on his way.

“Lance!”

Keith only needed to bang on the hatch once before it opened for him and he sent a silent prayer of thanks to Blue for understanding he was here to help. He ripped off his helmet, his relief short-lived as he climbed to the cockpit to find Lance sprawled on the floor.

“No no _no_!”

Keith fell to the floor, Lance’s head cradled gently in his lap as he tried to stay calm. Lance wanted to reassure him, wanted to reach up and touch his cheek and tell him he was fine as long as Keith was with him but he still couldn’t move.

There was a huge crack in his helmet and Keith sucked in a shaky breath as he saw the extent of the damage. He could see blood seeping down from his hairline as Lance blinked up at him wordlessly.

“Lance, you’re ok. You’re ok.” He chanted, distantly aware of the other’s voices coming from his abandoned helmet as they asked him to report in.  

“You’re fine, we’ll get you to a healing pod and you’re gonna be _fine_.” He told the boy cradled in his arms, tears rolling down his cheeks unchecked and he leant over Lance’s prone body.

“You can’t leave me yet. I won’t let you.”

Lance could feel his heart breaking as he watched the tears pouring down his face. He needed to comfort Keith, he needed to be able to tell him it was going to be okay but already everything was getting dark.

He could only see Keith, the edges of his vision growing darker like someone was turning the lights down. He couldn’t hear Keith anymore, he was just a silhouette bending over him as hot tears splashed on his cheek.

“ _No_ ,” Keith wailed as Lance’s eyes drifted closed.

Lance might not be able to speak now but soon he would be in a healing pod and before he knew it Lance would be back to normal. Teasing him on missions, stealing his food goo at dinner, kissing him in their room at night.

“Lance,” Keith reached down to hold Lance’s hand in his, bending down to press his lips against Lance’s unresponsive ones.

_“I love you.”_

#

Fifty six hours, twenty three minutes and seven Earth seconds.

That’s how long Lance has been in the healing pod. Keith knows this because that’s also how long he’s been waiting, wrapped up in a blanket Hunk must have brought to him, judging by the colour as he tugged the yellow fabric around him tighter.

He’d nodded off again, waking up with a crick in his neck and a heavy feeling in his chest as his eyes focused on the glowing panel that counted down the ticks remaining until he could hold Lance again.

He was actually surprised he was still here. Shiro had earlier insisted that he should return to his room to get a proper sleep but he was grimly satisfied that no one had dared moved him while he’d been unconscious.

He knew Lance wasn’t aware that he was here, but he wouldn’t be able to sleep far away in his room, where he couldn’t see Lance and know that he would be mended and out again soon, although not soon enough.

The hours were ticking slowly by and one by one the rest of the paladins trickled in to check on Lance, or him, or both. Shiro was the first to check in, glancing sideways at Keith and once again suggesting he get some sleep in a bed.

“I promise I’ll wake you up before Lance gets out.” He insisted, but Keith just shook his head.

“It’s fine. I want to wait here.”                                       

Shiro raised his eyes and made a gesture of defeat as Allura entered the room.

“Keith,” she said gently as she stooped down beside him but he cut her off.

“Not you too.” He stood angrily, blanket sliding off his shoulders to pool at his feet.

“Why can’t you all just leave us alone?” he stepped closer to the pod, as if his physical distance would somehow block out their unwelcome intrusion.

“We just want you to rest for a bit, Keith.” She insisted, and Keith glared at her as Coran’s voice carried across the room.

“That’s right. The healing pod will take as long as it needs. No amount of waiting is going to hurry it up.” He chuckled to himself before noting the sour face Keith was levelling over Allura’s shoulder.

“Ahem.” He cleared his throat, straightening his spine as he continued.

“We are approaching the source of the next distress signal, Princess.”

“Thank you, Coran.” Her eyes slid back to Keith as the door whooshed open to admit the last two paladins.

“We can’t answer a distress signal now.” Keith told her levelly, eyes narrowed as she cast him a look.

“Lance is out of commission; we can’t form Voltron.”

“I know,” the princess sighed,

“But this looks like a job we can accomplish without Voltron.”

“Then let someone else take care of it.” Keith was getting angry now and Hunk stepped in to try and diffuse the situation.

“That’s, uh, a really good point Keith. But,” he quailed as Keith turned the force of his glare on the yellow paladin.

“Uh, well you know we are _here_ already, and Voltron-”

“I don’t _care_ about _Voltron_ ,” Keith spat angrily at them, swinging a hand out emphatically. 

“Ow!”

Keith’s hand had hit the healing pod and he flexed his bruised fingers, feeling his anger fizzling out as everyone stared at him like he was a lunatic. 

_Beep beep beep beep_

All eyes swung towards the pod, now emitting a steady stream of beeps as the screen flashed the remaining ticks, now no longer counting down but frozen in place.

“Um, is it supposed to be doing that?” Hunk asked nervously as Coran pushed closer to look.

“Ah, no,” he offered hesitantly, taking a step back to look up at Lance’s face through the screen.

“The program hasn’t finished so the pod shouldn’t be able to open.”

“So why is it opening?” Pidge piped up, adjusting her glasses as the pod began to crack open.

Keith watched, half-fearful, half-relieved as the pod opened and Lance blinked his eyes, stepping out on slightly unsteady feet before stumbling forward and landing against Keith’s chest.

 _Thank god_ , Keith thought fervently as his arms wrapped around the taller boy. The healing pods had once again worked their magic and Lance was whole and healthy again and everything was fine.

“Hey guys, woah,” Lance said, hands coming to rest on Keith’s shoulders.

“It must have been a bad one this time if even Kogane was worried.”

Keith’s heart froze in his chest, arms falling stiffly to his sides as Lance pushed him gently backwards.

“…what?” he managed to ask, his face a mask of confusion as Lance laughed nervously.

“Sorry to worry you guys again. Honestly I don’t even remember what happened this time.” He shrugged, running a hand through his hair and smiling around at them as Keith struggled to process what was happening. Was this a joke?

“Uh, Lance, buddy?” Hunk stepped forward, one hand coming to rest on Lance’s shoulder as he peered at him.

“You feeling okay?” Hunk shot a quick look at Keith but Lance just laughed again.

“I feel fine; I just got out of a healing pod, remember? This is a fine as it gets.” He winked at Allura who was too dumbstruck to respond in her usual manner.

“Lance,” Pidge chimed in, looking up at him as he beamed at her.

“Do you remember the mission we were on when you were injured?” she asked, and all eyes were on Lance as he frowned, clearly thinking about it.

“Well, not as such, not exactly…”

Keith took a step backwards, unable to mask his shock as Lance didn’t look at him, _didn’t even look at him_ as he answered everyone’s questions.

“Alright, next question: how long have we been paladins?”

Keith’s eyes darted between Pidge and Lance, eyes widening in horror as an easy grin spread over Lance’s face.

“Oh, that’s easy. Like a couple of months or something?” Lance announced happily, his smile slowly fading at the serious looks his friends were giving him.

“…right?” he asked hesitantly, eyes coming to rest on Keith as he backed away from him slowly.

“Keith?” Lance asked quizzically.  

But Keith had turned on his heel and was marching from the room, head down as everyone turned to watch him.

“What’s up with Mullet?” Lance tried to lighten the mood, but his uncertain smile faded completely as Coran marched forward and started to manhandle him back towards the healing pod.

“Just jump back in there for a few more ticks.” He was saying over Lance’s loud protests.

“But I feel fine! I’m healed already.”

The pod refused to close, rejecting the occupant as it scanned his signs and declared him healthy.

“See? Pod says I’m fine.” Lance pushed past Coran to stand in the worried circle of his friends, fixing them with a stern stare.

“Ok, what the quiznak is going on?”

#

Lance was sitting on the observation deck, arms wrapped around his knees as he watched the vastness of space stretching out to infinity. Apparently he had forgotten more than a year of his life, most of the almost eighteen months they had been living aboard the castle and fighting Zarkon.

Alarming words like _cerebral haemorrhaging, brain damage, retrograde amnesia_ had been spoken. Hunk had been the most supportive, no surprises there at least, but Pidge and Coran had been absolutely chilling in their assessments.

“So what if I can’t remember now! It’ll come back to me, won’t it?” Lance had asked and Coran had tugged nervously on his moustache as he replied.

“Well, I’m not saying it’s _impossible_ ,” he had begun, clearly trying to soften the blow before Pidge jumped in and shattered his hopes.

“It’s less likely than you think,” she’d explained matter-of-factly, pointing to the scanned image of his brain.

“See these dark bits here? It’s kinda like a damaged hard drive. It’s not just that your brain can’t find a pathway to your memories; we have to consider that the memories themselves may be corrupted. Even if you can access them again they may be fragmented, altered or otherwise changed.”

“Pidge…” Hunk had interjected gently, pulling the young paladin away as Lance sunk to the floor, head cradled in his hands.

“Let’s just give him a moment to process, ok?”

And so they had left him alone, and he had wandered the ship until he found himself staring out into the inky darkness of space.

More than a year, _gone_. It was so much to take in. What had happened in that time? He felt like he was missing a piece of himself, his soul. The way everyone had looked at him with such pity, even Pidge, even _Allura_.

He wasn’t even sure who he was anymore.

He heard a squeak of shoes on the hard, shiny floor and looked up in time to see Keith beating a hasty retreat.

“Hey, hold up!” Lance shot to his feet, relieved to see that Keith had halted as he called out to him.

“Can…can we talk for a sec?” Lance asked, recognising the flutter in his stomach as nervousness and unsure what to make of it for the moment. It was just Keith; why did he feel so anxious?

But Keith had slowly turned around, was facing him now as Lance approached and Lance felt a thrill of nervous energy swept through him.

Keith remained silent, clearly waiting for Lance to say something else and so he ran a hand through his hair again, tugging on his jacket as he shuffled his feet and tried to think of something to say.

“So, apparently,” he began, checking Keith’s reaction as he spoke,

“I’ve lost my memories of an entire _year_.”

“Yeah, I heard.” He said gruffly, his gaze remaining fixed on the ground at their feet, but Lance powered on regardless.

“Yeah. So there’s that.” He finished awkwardly, wishing Keith would just look at him or say something else, but then he was, eyes raising to lock on to Lance as he licked his lips, swallowing nervously as he clearly battled with what to say to Lance.

“That’s…tough.” Was all he said, rather anti-climatically Lance thought as he huffed out a sigh.

“Yeah, it sucks.” He said, more just to keep the conversation going more than anything.

“Listen,” he added suddenly, feeling Keith’s gaze pin him to the spot.

“I know we’re like, y’know, frenemies or whatever so if I’ve done something that I now can’t remember and you’re still pissed about it then I’m sorry.” He finished with a smile, sticking out his hand for a handshake as Keith stared at him like he had two heads.

“No, it’s…” Keith’s eyes dropped to his extended hand, the seconds ticking by as the silence lengthened between them.

“It’s fine.” Keith said finally, grasping Lance’s hand and giving it a quick shake before letting go again.

“I’m not pissed at you. We’re not…frenemies.” He was already backing away, too overwhelmed for the moment to stay.

“I’ll…see you tomorrow.” He finished lamely, disappearing out the door as Lance watched him silently, palm tingling where he had just been touching Keith’s skin.

It was weird; Keith hadn’t been wearing his gloves. Keith _always_ wore his gloves. Lance had always assumed that Keith’s hands would feel rougher, maybe a bit calloused. But his hand had fit in his so comfortably, his fingers curling around Keith’s smaller hand like they knew exactly how to hold him as he brushed his thumb over the soft pad of his palm.

“What the quiznak.” He said softly under his breath as his mind whirled. He wanted his memories back. Clearly, he was missing something.

#

“Keith, think about what you’re doing.” Hunk cautioned him, concern written all over his face as Keith addressed everyone sans Lance at breakfast the next day.

“Look, I’ve _explained_ : he thinks we’re still rivals, he doesn’t remember _anything_.” Keith sat down abruptly, unable to continue with the looks of pity being thrown his way.

“I just don’t want to upset him, ok?” he added, pulling his plate of food goo closer.

“So no one say anything. He’ll either remember or he won’t.”

Allura looked a bit misty-eyed as she regarded him from the other end of the long table.

“Oh, Keith,” she said softly, but just then the doors swished open and Lance himself appeared dressed in his blue paladin robe and looking well rested.

“Morning everyone!” he greeted them cheerfully as he took his seat.

Keith gripped his spoon tighter and tried not to look at him as conversations started around the table.

“So we have our next mission.” Shiro announced as the talk died down.

“We’re going to make planet fall today; the Myklans requested assistance with a border dispute and we’re going to see if Voltron can help.”

“Alright, time to swoop in and be the heroes.” Lance grinned up the table, meeting Keith’s gaze for a moment before he dropped his eyes back to his plate.

Keith didn’t notice Lance’s smile falter as he watched him look away.

“No heroics,” Shiro chastised, and Lance heaved a sigh.

“Sure thing, Shiro.” His face had pulled into a frown as he slumped in his seat.

“You never let us do anything fun. You’re like our space dad or something.”

The comment rolled off his tongue easily, and for a moment it seemed like that would be the end of it but suddenly he was sitting bolt upright in his seat.

“You’re Space Dad!” He was pointing wildly at Shiro as he stared back at him, mouth full of food goo and unable to reply as Pidge burst into laughter.

“Do you remember something, Lance?” Hunk asked hopefully, and Keith paused with a spoonful of goo halfway to his mouth as Lance thought about it.

“Not really? Kinda?” he folded his arms as he slumped back in his seat.

“It just…feels right?” he offered finally.

“I can’t explain; I just know I know it.” He finished, eyes catching Keith’s briefly before the red paladin looked deliberately away.

Keith quickly excused himself after that, hiding in the training room before he had to see anyone else making pity faces at him.

#

“Hunk? Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?” Lance skipped down the corridor, his long legs quickly catching up to him as Hunk floundered on the spot.

“Oh, uh, _me_? Yeah, sure, what’s up buddy?” he started, falling into step beside Lance as they continued to the briefing room.

“Nothing major, just, y’know, everyone’s treating me really weird since I woke up and can’t remember anything.”

“Hey, that’s not fair. You remember stuff.”

Lance fixed him with a stare and he backpedalled, hands raised in defence.

“Ok, I know. We’re treating you weird.” He admitted, and Lance nodded encouragingly as he continued.

“But it _is_ weird. You forgot a whole _year_.” He stressed.

“So catch me up then.” Lance shrugged,

“What’s the big deal? Just tell me what I missed and let’s get on with it.”

Hunk eyed his friend, biting his lip as he tried to weigh up who would hurt him more; Keith for telling Lance, or Lance for not telling Lance when he finally found out. Deciding that pain later was better than pain now he just shrugged in what he hoped was an off-hand way as he said evasively.

“Some stuff happened. We all had birthdays, obviously.”

“Hey cool, so that means I’m eighteen!” Lance perked up immediately, and Hunk couldn’t help laughing.

“Yeah, your party was the best. We surprised you; it was pretty lit.”

Lance couldn’t help grinning as Hunk happily explained how they had all pitched in to make a dance party for him.

“Pidge and I found the music, you’re _welcome_.” He took a bow as they walked and Lance laughed as Hunk grinned at him, clearly wrapped up in his memories of the night.

“And I made you a cake, and you said it was the best night of your life except for Veru-“ he stopped talking abruptly, his face turning several shades lighter as Lance looked at him expectantly.

“What? Except for what?” he asked, but Hunk shook his head.

“Nothing, nevermind.” He looked over his shoulder before dashing away.

“Gotta get to that briefing. See ya in there buddy.”

Lance stopped in the corridor, watching his friend flee from him. He felt hurt, and he knew Hunk and the others weren’t doing it on purpose. They obviously felt it was for the best but whatever they weren’t telling him was _important_ , he knew that much.

He could hear footsteps approaching from further down the corridor and he waited for them to get closer, registering the scent of something vaguely familiar before Keith rounded the bend and stopped dead at the sight of him.

“Hey buddy.” Lance greeted him, wondering why that same nervous energy was coursing through him again.

Since when had he felt nervous around Keith? He’d always looked up to him, admired his skills as he pitted himself against him as a rival. He’d wanted to impress him, wanted Keith to like him before, but he’d never had a stomach full of butterflies just from being near the guy.

He was looking at Lance now like he thought he was crazy, eyes closed off and flicking away as Lance tried to move closer.

“Going to the briefing?” Lance asked awkwardly, and was relieved when Keith nodded.

“Cool. Wanna walk together?” Lance asked, and for a moment it looked like Keith wanted to tell him to quiznak off, but to his great relief all he said was a quiet “Sure.”

Lance fell into step beside him, easily matching his pace as they headed for the briefing room.

“So things are kinda weird huh?” he offered, hoping to settle his own nerves as much as Keith’s with a bit of light conversation.

“Yeah, it’s weird.” Keith confirmed, eyes resolutely forward.

“Soooo.” Lance dragged out the syllable, swinging his arms as he walked and accidently brushing his hand against Keith’s for a moment.

Keith’s fingers twitched, Lance’s eye drawn once again to his gloveless hand and he was seized with the strangest urge to reach out and hold it.

“What are you doing?”

Keith’s question wasn’t harshly spoken, his voice softer than Lance ever recalled it being as he realised they had stopped, Keith’s gloveless hand caught up in Lance’s long fingers as he turned it this way and that in front of his face.

“You’re not wearing your gloves.” He offered by way of explanation, dropping his hand when he realised he was still holding it.

“Yeah, I…lost them.” He said, fidgeting uncomfortably as Lance found it impossible to look away.

His body was reacting to Keith in ways he found new and confusing. He wanted to hold Keith’s hand again, had registered that rather than intensifying his nervous butterflies that had made them calm down, and when Keith had asked him softly what he was doing, the sound of his voice was soothing.

“We’re going to be late.” Keith was telling him, already turning away and Lance watched him walk around the bend in the corridor and out of sight.

#

“Ok guys, like I said this is a _diplomatic_ mission so I want you all on your best behaviour.” Shiro finished firmly, eyes lingering on Lance a moment longer than anyone else.

“Hey, I’m offended Shiro. I can be diplomatic.”

Keith coughed, sounding suspiciously like it might have been a cover-up for a laugh and Lance turned to him with a grin. During the briefing the tension had slowly been lifting and now Lance was feeling more and more at ease, the kind of banter Lance was felt was familiar finally returning.  

“What’s up with you? Don’t think I can handle it?” Lance’s eyes were sparkling with mischief and he was surprised but pleased when Keith met his challenge.

“Please.” Keith rolled his eyes at him.

“You? Be diplomatic? I give it ten minutes before you trip over your own feet and embarrass yourself.”

“You wish! I’m the king of diplomacy! I’ll diplomacy your face off.” Lance shot back with a cocky grin, arms folded over his chest and thrilled that someone was finally looking him in the eye.

“Wanna bet?” Keith smirked at him as Lance leaned closer.

“Bring it, Kogane.”   

“Gross.” Pidge mimed puking and turned to Shiro.

“Make them stop flirting or I’m going to hurl.”

Lance froze, his grin fading as Keith was suddenly very busy examining the cuff of his jacket.

“What?” Lance asked, confusion edging onto his face as Keith shot Pidge a dirty look.

“Alright, calm down. Look, you’ve got your assignments. Keith, you’ll be with Pidge.”

Keith glared at the smaller paladin who was resolutely ignoring him and Shiro continued with a sigh.

“Lance and Hunk, you two are together. I’ll accompany the princess.”

The team broke up, filing out of the briefing room and Lance turned around in time to see Keith round on Pidge, a glare fixed on his face just as the doors closed behind him.  

#

“What the hell, Pidge?” Keith shot at her, hands up in a gesture of defeat as Pidge adjusted her glasses.

“Look, the sooner you accept that his memories are most likely gone, the better.” She stated matter-of-factly.

“We should all just treat him how we always did and things will probably just go down the same path.”

Keith eyed her cautiously as he asked, 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Pidge sighed, straightening up to her full and less-than-impressive height,

“That he liked you before, there’s no reason he won’t again. He’s the same person, numbnuts.  Just with a year’s less life experience.”

Keith stared at her, mind processing her statement.

“I guess,” he said slowly, recalling the months of teasing the pair had endured at the hands of Pidge as they had danced around each other. The flirting disguised as friendly banter, casual touches increasing in frequency until the day that Lance had just asked out of the blue “can I kiss you?” and everything had spiralled out of control.

“Ok, I see your point.” He allowed himself a small smile, knowing that of all the paladins he and Pidge were probably the worst at expressing themselves. It might not look like it on the surface but Pidge really did have their best interests at heart.

“I’ll just treat him like I did before and hopefully…”

“Yeah…hopefully.” Pidge agreed.

But as Pidge left the briefing room ahead of him his smile faded. This was Lance they were talking about. It definitely wasn’t going to be that easy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay dudes life is SO BUSY rn but here’s chapter 2 because I am never more inspired to write than when I should be doing something else… also watch me make up random words for alien races :/ if you have suggestions hit me with them because I am literally just throwing letters together here ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

“I saved the day, _again_ , and hooked up with a hot alien babe.” Lance guessed confidently to the tune of Hunk chuckling and shaking his head.

“Nope. Never happened”

“Hmm….Shiro hooked up with Allura.” Lance said, less confidently this time.

“I’m _preeetty_ sure that never happened.” Hunk shook his head, still grinning.

They were sitting by the entrance of a large hall, theoretically ‘guarding the doors’ but actually taking it easy, bayards clipped to their belts as the peace talks continued under the neutral gaze of Allura.

Lance had been trying to guess what he’d missed in the last year and so far all he’d succeeded in doing was make Hunk laugh so hard he’d actually cried. He was still kinda sore about that to be honest. He didn’t think that Shiro asking Lance to lead Voltron in the event of something happening to him was _that_ farfetched.

He’d run out of real things to guess and was just throwing out random statements now. He’d stumbled on a few by accident, like Pidge’s modifications to the green lion and apparently he hadn’t managed to get with any hot alien babes in an entire year, although he wasn’t sure he actually believed Hunk on that one. He had turned suspiciously pink and refused to make eye contact as he insisted Lance had not “hooked up”.   

His eyes roved over the room and caught sight of Keith standing with Pidge, his back straight and arms crossed over his chest as he watched over the proceedings impassively.

“Keith hooked up with somebody.” Lance guessed, his voice a little quieter this time and Hunk looked up in surprise.

“Oh, are we still talking about this?” he asked nervously, shrinking back from the look Lance fixed him with.

Hunk turned to look over at the red paladin, a wave of sympathy for Keith lowering his guard as he told Lance quietly.

“I’m not sure I’d call it hooking up so much as he had, uh, a relationship, I guess.”

Lance felt a hot, twisting feeling in his gut as Hunk’s gaze returned to the room.

 _Relationship_ , he thought, eyes turning back to fix on Keith as he turned that thought over in his mind.

“What happened?” Lance asked, picking up on the past tense use.

Hunk jumped like he’d been shot.

“Huh? Oh…dunno.” He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with the topic and Lance let it drop, wondering who Keith had been involved with. Why had it ended?

The thoughts startled him, but as they took hold they merged with the jealousy burning up his insides, the feeling settling in him like he’d worn it all his life. He was starting to think that this was why everyone was being weird. Maybe Lance had done something, said something to Keith that was too direct, too personal and now that he had no memory of it they were just trying to let the past be the past. 

_“I’m not pissed at you. We’re not…frenemies.”_

Keith had brushed off his apology, but if they weren’t frenemies, if they weren’t _rivals_ anymore, what were they?

#

After an incredibly boring day of watching aliens politely disagree about everything the paladins were invited to an elaborate dinner by their hosts, which Hunk had immediately accepted on all their behalves.

“Look, a whole vegetable. Or…tuber. Whatever it is it _isn’t goo_.” Hunk said appreciatively, taking a bite of the pale purple thing before moaning enthusiastically.

Lance shot him an affectionate look, catching Keith’s eye by accident as he looked up. Once again, Keith didn’t look away immediately, even _smiled_ before his eyes slid back to the plate in front of him.

The latter half of the day had been like this. Every time Keith had looked up and caught Lance staring he would hold his gaze steadily for a few moments, acknowledge that Lance had been watching him and sometimes, like just now, he would give Lance the tiniest smile, a slight curve of his lips that set Lance’s heart racing in an entirely unexpected way.

This was weird enough on its own, but sometimes Lance would look up to see that Keith was already looking his way, his face carefully blank but eyes definitely locked on his as they stared across the room.

 _Just what exactly is going on_? Lance thought furiously, palms sweating as he rubbed them dry on his pants.

He managed to get through dinner without embarrassing himself too badly, only spilling his glass once and managing not to spit out the dessert-like thing he had been expecting to be sweet and gagged on when it turned out to be extremely bitter.

 _And Keith is still watching me_ , he thought as they were excused and shown to the lavish bedrooms they were invited to stay in during the peace talks. It was strange, and he couldn’t explain it, but Lance felt a tiny thrill of excitement when he noted that Keith’s was next door to his own.

He’d given up on trying to analyse every little nervous thrill he felt in relation to Keith. At least he thought he had but as he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling and being incompletely and utterly unable to fall sleep he got up with a sigh.

He was more bothered by this whole situation than he cared to admit, but one thing he had picked up on that made him feel better was talking to Keith, so that was exactly what he was going to do.

#

Keith hadn’t been able to relax all day, and now knowing that he was separated from Lance by a mere wall was enough to get his mind racing to things he knew were impossible, but he couldn’t stop himself from getting carried away. Keith had felt eyes on him all day and he felt hyper aware of the attention, a tingling down his spine alerting him whenever the taller paladin had been looking his way.

The advice Pidge had given him was sound. It made sense and he wanted to trust it, but when he thought about how long it had taken them to get from enemies to friends to lovers the first time he couldn’t help his tiny moan of despair.

This wasn’t fair. Keith had never been as close to another person as he and Lance had become and while he’d never thought he needed closeness or affection he was fast discovering that he did in fact crave the physical contact that came part and parcel of being the object of Lance’s affection.  

For the first time in months Keith was falling asleep and waking up alone and if he could have told his younger self that he would one day need a warm body next to him to fall asleep he’d have told him he was crazy. But that was exactly his problem tonight.

The nights Lance had still been in the pod had passed uneventfully, Keith only falling asleep from pure exhaustion as he kept watch over Lance, but last night and tonight he was in a bed and painfully aware that Lance was out there somewhere sleeping peacefully and not wrapped around him like a human-shaped space heater.

A knock on his door pulled him from his thoughts and he crossed the room to open it, heart squeezing painfully at the sight of Lance in a robe and slippers with his hand still raised from knocking as he asked softly,

“Can I come in?”

#

Lance’s heart was beating so fast he was sure it was going to launch out of his chest at any minute.  Keith had opened the door wider, wordlessly inviting him in and he took a hesitant step over the threshold.

“Thanks,”

Keith was barely acknowledging him, walking back towards the bed and sitting on the edge. An awkward glance around the room confirmed that there was a distinct lack of other surfaces available for sitting and so Lance followed Keith’s example, leaving a foots space between them. Keith had so far remained silent and it looked like it was going to be up to Lance to get the ball rolling.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked, leaning back on his hands as he looked over at Keith.

“Uh huh.” He replied, slouching forward to rest his chin on his hand.

“Me either.” He confessed.

Silence fell over them as Keith stared at the ground in front of him. Lance took in his posture and the closed-off look on his face and heaved a sigh. Keith wasn’t exactly making it easy to talk to him but he was determined to get to the heart of whatever was going on here.

“So Hunk said you hooked up.”

“Huh?”

That got his attention. Lance watched as Keith sat bolt upright, eyes wide as he turned towards him.

“In the year that I’ve forgotten.” He continued, holding eye contact.

“You met someone?” Lance prompted, hoping Keith might start filling in some of the blanks.

“Yeah… kinda.” Keith didn’t offer any further details and Lance huffed a sigh as he tried again.

“So what were they like?” he asked, head tilted towards Keith as he waited for his answer.

“Why are you asking?” Keith narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him.

“I just wanna know.” Lance shrugged,

“You said we’re friends now, right?”

“Not that kind of friends.”

It sounded harsh but Lance saw Keith wince, almost as though he hadn’t meant it to sound so severe, although Lance couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed.

“Oh.”

Maybe Lance had been wrong. But he couldn’t be. He was comfortable being close to Keith, the closer the better it seemed and he shifted nearer until their thighs were touching.

“He was…the best thing that ever happened to me.” Keith admitted in a quiet voice, and Lance felt at once elation that Keith was confiding in him and a twisting pain in his chest at the actual words.

“I’m sorry.” Lance apologised, wishing he hadn’t brought it up now that Keith was talking about it.

“It’s ok, it’s not-“ he cut himself off, hands over his face as he whispered hoarsely.

_“It’s not your fault.”_

The silence stretched between them and Lance found himself reaching up to gently pry Keith’s hands away. The butterflies were back, the fluttering in his stomach competing with the hammering of his heart in his chest.

He felt out of his own body, strangely aware of how his thigh felt warm where it was pressed against Keith, a familiar scent washing over him and making him feel a little bit dizzy as he heard himself saying,

“Don’t freak out but…I have the strangest urge to kiss you right now.”  

#

Lance hadn’t expected a reply because he hadn’t thought about what he was doing. All he knew was that something about this _felt right_ and as he watched Keith’s eyes were slowly closing as he leaned closer and Lance bent lower to press his lips against Keith’s in a chaste kiss.

It only lasted a few moments but already Lance felt like he was freefalling, tumbling out of control as Keith’s hand reached up to rest on his shoulder and gently push him away.

“Have we done that before?” Lance whispered, awestruck as he tried to gather his scattered thoughts.

Keith bit his lip, clearly unwilling to confirm but unable to deny that whatever Lance couldn’t remember definitely involved kissing Keith.

“You should go.” Keith told him, the words catching in his throat like he didn’t want to say them.

The last thing Lance wanted to do was go; while he was confused, his thoughts a jumbled mess as he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath, he finally felt like something might be starting to make sense.

But Keith was already walking back to the door, holding it open for him and Lance wordlessly got to his feet to follow him.

He was being kicked out.  

“Good night, Lance.” Keith shut the door in his face, the lock clicking into place jolting Lance from his thoughts as he frowned at the barrier between them.

Further down the corridor Pidge watched through the crack of her open door as Lance stood outside Keith’s room, noting the slump of his shoulders before he turned and disappeared into his own room.

“It’s not my problem.” She chanted under her breath, but as she returned to bed she couldn’t shake the feeling that she should do something to help.

#

Day two of the peace talks was starting out much like day one. Lance was stationed at the hall’s entrance with Hunk again and he’d just settled into position to the side of the closed double doors when Keith sauntered over to stand in front of Hunk on the opposite side.

“Hey Hunk, can you swap with me for a while? Pidge needs your brain for a pet project.” He said in a bored voice as Lance perked up.

“Uh, sure. See ya, Lance.” Hunk waved, moving closer to the negotiating table as Keith turned and leaned back against the wall, hand clasped loosely over his bayard.

Lance let a few long seconds pass, watching Hunk’s retreating back and taking a few deep breaths before he stood and crossed to stand next to Keith.

“Hey.” He said, leaning against the wall leaving just a hair’s breadth of space between them.

“We’re supposed to be guarding the doors.” Keith’s even tone replied, eyes forward and focused on the table.

“That’s just for show, nothing’s gonna happen.” Lance said dismissively with a wave of his hand. The action brought him closer, his arm bumping into Keith’s shoulder until Keith took a half-step away.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

Keith was ignoring him, refusing to meet his gaze.

“I’m not avoiding you.” He finally replied, prompting Lance to chuckle.

He noticed that drew Keith’s eye for a moment, a quick flash to his face before focusing once more on the peace talks at the distant end of the room.

“Yeah you are. And I wanna know why.”

He saw Keith sigh and his gaze was drawn to Keith’s parted lips, unconsciously wetting his own as he recalled the night before. The soft press of Keith’s lips on his and how surprisingly _normal_ it had felt.

“Is it because we kiss-“

“This isn’t really the time or the place, Lance.”

Lance felt a thrill of hope at his words, the hint that Keith was admitting that they had something they needed to talk about was encouraging.

“Later then?” he asked hopefully, holding his breath as Keith considered.

“…ok.” He finally agreed, taking another step away as Lance beamed happily, returning to watch the room in silence.

#

“Paladins, thank you for your service today.” Allura addressed them as they stood off to the side of the main table.

The hall was slowing emptying around them and Lance tapped his foot impatiently as she continued.

“The talks have been proceeding well and it looks like we will be excused as soon as tomorrow.” She sighed happily, hands clasped together as she gazed happily around the circle.

“It’s been wonderful to be a part of a mission like this; Zarkon might still be out there but there are still people who will resolve their conflicts peacefully.”

“It’s good practice for us too, princess.” Shiro agreed, turning to take in the team.

“Defeating Zarkon might be our priority but we need to remember that communication and diplomacy are necessary parts of a peaceful universe.”

Shiro’s gaze settled on Keith for a moment longer until he nodded, acknowledging the double meaning behind Shiro’s homily.

One of the Myklans had commandeered Allura’s attention so it was left to Shiro to dismissed them.

“Enjoy some free time, gang.” He said, waving them off.

“Just be back in time to change for dinner.”

Pidge was already hightailing it out of there, muttering something about conductivity and needing to run a few tests.

“I’m gonna see if they need any help in the kitchens.” Hunk said while sidling out a side door, an excited look plastered on his face as he no doubt recalled the feast from last night.

Keith turned on his heel and was halfway to the doors when Lance called him back.

“Wait! Keith!”

Keith’s footsteps slowed to a halt as Lance jogged up to him, a hand coming to rest on his shoulder for a moment before Keith shrugged it off.

“Yeah? What d’you want?”

Hurt was displayed on Lance’s face, his hand still hovering were Keith had callously pushed it away.

“I just thought maybe we could talk now? Y’know, about last night and stuff.”

His heart sank as Keith kept walking, until he tossed a look over his shoulder.

“Come on, then.”

With a smile that rivalled a sun in brightness, Lance followed after Keith.

#

“I can see why the Myklans were fighting to stay; this place is nice.”

Despite agreeing to talk the conversation had been rather stilted and while nearly an hour had passed already Lance had gleaned absolutely no intelligence on what exactly had happened last night.

He was leaning on the railing, chin resting on his folded arms as he gazed over the coastline. It was a pretty city that was making him miss home; tan buildings hugged the coast and the streets were lined with colourful market stalls. Before them the ocean stretched into the distance, pink-tinted and sparkling under the rays of the planet’s sun.

“They weren’t here first though.” Keith replied, watching as a bird wheeled through the air before plummeting to pluck its dinner from the sea.

“Don’t tell me you’re siding with those Rydeck jerks.” Lance pulled a face as he looked over at Keith, his expression softening as he took in how relaxed Keith was looking for once.

“Nah, it’s none of my business. I don’t even know what we’re doing here.” He turned around, sliding down the rail to sit on the stone plaza floor.

Lance watched him for a second before joining him, knees bent as he slumped back against the railing.

“Keeping the peace, babe.” he said easily, eyes sliding shut as the warm sun soaked into his limbs.

Did he just call Keith “babe”? That should be weird but the word had rolled off his tongue so easily. He felt relaxed and lazy and so, _so_ comfortable. Almost like he could just fall asleep right here.

“Lance?”

He was leaning to the side, head dropping until it came to rest on Keith’s shoulder and he smiled as he shifted into a more comfortable position.

“Lance?” Keith called him again and his eyelids flickered but didn’t open fully as he replied.

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing?”

Lance forced his eyes open, taking in his position and sitting up as he realised that he was pillowing his head on a very uncomfortable Keith.

“Nothing?” he narrowed his eyes as he took in Keith leaned away from him.

“Just sitting.”

Keith shuffled away leaving a gap between them before replying.

“Well just sit over there.”

“What’s the deal with you, Mullet?” he demanded, moving closer to invade his space again.

“You’re acting weird.” He was frowning at him, all happy relaxation vibes dissolving under the glare Keith was fixing him with

“No, _you’re_ acting weird. Get out of my face.”

“Keith, just tell me what I’m missing.” He insisted as a shadow fell over them.

“Hey guys,” Hunk’s voice broke through but they were still glaring at each other as he continued.

“So I took some water samples and the ocean is full of crazy minerals but it’s safe to swim-“

The voice trailed off as Keith looked away, arms crossed and eyes narrowed as Lance blinked and looked up at Hunk.

“Lance, buddy? Wanna swim?” Hunk suggested, relieved when Lance rose to his feet.

“Yeah, I need to cool off. Later, Kogane.”

Hunk watched as Lance disappeared back to his room, shooting Keith a sympathetic look as the smaller boy hid his face in his hands.

“Not going well, huh?” he asked gently, not wanting to pry but needing to know that Keith was ok.

“You could say that.” He sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face and pulling himself to his feet.

“It’s so hard, Hunk. I…“  he paused, mouth opening and closing as he struggled to find the words.

“I don’t want to scare him but he keeps getting right up in my space and it’s so hard to hold back.”

He heaved another sigh before staring up at Hunk sadly.

“This is shit. I want my boyfriend back.”

Hunk shifted awkwardly on his feet, torn between wanting to hug the red paladin and not knowing if that was something Keith wanted. He probably just needed space right now.

“I know, man. I know.”

#

“Hurry up, Hunk! It’s amazing in here!”

Lance was standing waist-deep in the pink ocean, his blue board shorts looking purple-coloured through the water as he stretched out his arms and fell backwards into the sea.

The water was warm and salty, the bottom a soft carpet of powder-fine sand. Lance was swimming easy laps by the time Hunk had cautiously waded out to him, easing into the water as his eyes darted around for signs of fish or other aquatic life.

“So do you think they have sharks on this planet or…” he trailed off, not really wanting to complete the thought but Lance laughed, carefree.

“Nah, Pidge asked the locals yesterday and there’s nothing in here they’re afraid of. This place is a paradise.”

He sighed happily, laying back to kick lazily across the surface.

“Hey Keith! Are you joining us?”

Lance’s ears perked up and he shot a glance back at the shore line where Keith was gingerly testing the water with one toe.

“Maybe.” He said evasively, backing up and letting his eyes roam until they landed on Lance.

“I dare you to jump in.” he called back impulsively, sinking down under the gently lapping waves until he was just a head floating in the water.

Keith rolled his eyes dismissively, arms crossed over his bare chest and Lance stood up again to splash water at him.

“Get in, Kogane.”

Giving in to his goading, or perhaps just because he really wanted too, Keith waded out to waist-deep before sinking down in the warm water.

“See? Relaxing, isn’t it? Maybe it’ll help with that stick up your ass.”

Lance slowly turned to look for Hunk, expecting him to have backed him up with a “good one, Lance” but he was already stepping onto the beach, swiping up his towel.

“Hey! Where d’you think you’re going?” he called out and to his surprise he saw Hunk’s broad shoulders flinch.

“Um, I just remembered Pidge needed me for something. I’ll see you guys at dinner!”

“Piker.” Lance muttered to himself, watching Hunk retreat.

He turned and was surprised to see Keith had floated closer, barely an arm’s length away as he bobbed in the swell.

“Looks like it’s just you and me then, Mullet.” He said offhandedly, laying back again to float as Keith looked past him to watch Hunk’s figure disappearing up the beach.

“Are you mad at me?” Keith asked, surprising Lance enough that he righted himself again, turning to face him in the water.

“Little bit, yeah.” Lance told him honestly, one hand dragging his wet hair off his face.

“Everything is just super weird and the whole team is treating me like I’m some sort of alien.” His eyes flicked to Keith’s face for a moment before he continued.

“And you’re the weirdest of the bunch.”

“Not without reason.” Keith shot back quickly, regretting engaging but unable to ignore him.

“So what’s the big secret?” Lance spread his hands wide, waiting patiently for an explanation that wasn’t coming as Keith remained tight-lipped.

“Don’t tell me then.” Lance flicked water at Keith again and a few drops clung to his skin, sparkling in the afternoon sun.

“I think I worked it out anyway.” Lance added, voice much quieter as he watched Keith’s reaction.

Keith’s eyes had widened in surprise before darting up to his face.

“Really?” he asked, unconsciously moving closer.

“Tell me if I’m way off but,” Lance said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as he continued,

“Were we…dating?”

“Why?” Keith asked sharply,

“Do you remember something?”

“Not _remember_ remember, not like a picture or anything but…” Lance trailed off as he moved closer.

“I feel different around you…different to before.” He kept moving closer until he was bumping into Keith, closing his eyes as he lifted his arms up to wrap around Keith’s waist.

“This…feels weirdly normal?”

He could feel Keith slowly relaxing as their bare chests pressed together. His heart was pounding as he fought to stay calm. Keith was pulling him closer now, a slide of his arm around Lance’s shoulder anchoring them together as they bobbed in the gently swell.

“But you don’t remember.”

Keith’s voice was soft and unsteady, his breath a puff against Lance’s shoulder as they held each other. He should feel awkward, he though, being so close to Keith but the comfort he was deriving from just _being held_ was overriding his awkwardness.

“No, I don’t remember.” He admitted, a tinge of sadness creeping into his voice.

“I’m so sorry.” Keith said, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he turned his face into Lance’s neck.

“I think…I think it might be my fault.”

“What do you mean? Of course it’s not your fault.” It was impossible not to try and reassure him when he sounded so _broken_ , but Keith was shaking his head. His hair was tickling Lance and if Keith wasn’t so miserable Lance would have found it difficult to supress a smile.

“The pod was opened early. I…I hit the control panel accidently and I think it interrupted the program.”

Lance felt that wash over him, his arms loosening around Keith as he listened to his pulse pounding in his ears.

“Oh.” Was all he could manage to say out loud. He knew he should deny Keith’s claims. He clearly felt guilty as all quiznak and there was no way to know if the pod would have fixed him properly if it hadn’t been interrupted but now all he could think about was _what if…._

“I’m so sorry.” Keith said again, and he sounded so heartbroken that Lance suddenly felt a wave of shame for not comforting him sooner.

 _I’m such a jerk_ , he thought as he forced himself to try and make his teammate feel better.

“Don’t worry so much, it probably had nothing to do with you.” He could tell that wasn’t very convincing, but he suddenly remembered how Coran had tried to shove him back in the pod and he quickly added,

“Maybe they just can’t heal that stuff. They tried to put me back in after you left but the pod scan said I was perfectly healthy.”

Finally Keith was stirring, lifting his head from where he had been hiding his face in Lance’s neck which was actually more distracting than Lance was prepared to admit.

“…Really?” he asked hesitantly and Lance nodded. He could feel his throat constrict as he swallowed nervously. Keith did not look any happier.

“Then you’ll probably never remember.” He said forlornly, sinking back into Lance’s chest. His lips grazed over his collarbone and Lance felt his breath hitch in his throat, tightening his arms around Keith once more.

“Don’t say that.”

This should be embarrassing but he didn’t want to let go. Nothing that had happened in the last two days had made him feel as safe as he felt right now. The waves gently buffeted them and he dropped his head to nuzzle closer to Keith, breathing in deeply and letting the breath go with a sigh as he relaxed into the embrace.

Suddenly Keith exhaled deeply, the arm around Lance tightening as he pulled him closer and he felt a response in his body that was entirely unexpected from _hugging Kogane_.

The rush of blood to his groin was alarming. He felt conflicted, his body craving things he didn’t understand and he slowly started to let go and allowed the sea to part them. His hands moved to Keith’s hips to gently push him away.

“I think I might head back now.” He said awkwardly.

He saw the flash of disappointment in Keith’s eyes but this was overwhelming, so much more than he had expected and he turned and waded back to the beach, hoping fervently that he reached his towel before anyone noticed how much being held by Keith had affected him.

#

Lance felt like a coward but that wasn’t going to stop him from spending the next few hours hiding from everyone in his room. He felt betrayed by his own body, his thoughts battling between “but it _feels right_ ” and “but its _Kogane_ ”. After a shower and changing into dinner-appropriate clothes he was lying across his bed, mind turning over and over the events of the last few days.

Keith hadn’t denied his speculation, had positively _clung_ to him like he was his lifeline.  It was obvious that the big secret everyone was avoiding telling him was that he and Keith had been together. Were together? Presumably they were still “together”, Lance just didn’t realise it because his memories of it were conveniently gone.  

 _But how together were, no, _he shook his head _, are we_?

He closed his eyes, recalling how it felt so natural to be with him, to pull him close until he couldn’t tell if the pounding heartbeat he could feel was even his.  

What exactly had they been to each other? He wished he could remember.

A knock on his door pulled him from his thoughts and he called out to tell whoever it was to come in. As he watched the door opened to reveal Pidge looking tired but determined as she strode confidently into his room holding what looked like a box of wires.

“Take your shirt off; I’ve got an idea.”

#

Lance tried to relax but he couldn’t help feeling apprehensive. Pidge had explained very briefly what she’d been working on, prefacing the entire thing with “this is probably a long shot, but”.

And it probably _was_ a long shot, but with no better option Lance had shrugged, said “why not” and that was how he had found himself stripping down and examining the crack in the ceiling above his bed while Pidge buzzed around him, hooking him up to a collection of messy wires connected to an ominous looking panel of switches and dials.

“Breathe normally.” She said, bending over him to move one of the patches stuck on his chest, pulling the sticky patch off to centre it over his heart with a jab of her fingers.

“Ow.” He complained, reaching up to rub at the injured spot.

He was more worried than he cared to admit. Pidge’s idea seemed to be to zap him strategically with electricity which she explained would help something to do with brainwaves but also might possibly stop his heart.

“Your bedside manner is awful.” He complained, earning a smack on his shoulder as she messed with the dials.  

“Shut up and just _breathe normally_.” She repeated, an edge of irritation creeping into her voice.

“ _You breathe normally_.” He muttered under his breath, turning his head away and missing the smile that curved her lips at his petulant response.

“This is terrifying.” He added out loud.

“ _Relax_ , you big baby.” She moved back from the bed, careful not to touch any part of Lance as her fingers hovered over the last switch.

“It’s probably not going to kill you.”

“I’m not afraid of _death_ ; I’m afraid of _pain_.” He shot back, but he closed his eyes anyway.

He still felt apprehensive, but he trusted Pidge. Sort of.

“If all goes well you should just feel a tingling sensation.” Pidge explained.

“Focus on something to remember. I want you to try and think about the accident, ok?”

Lance nodded, feeling the wire rub against his shoulder where it travelled up to his temple.

“Ok.” He confirmed.

“I’m ready.”

Pidge flicked the switch and he immediately felt a warm buzz everywhere. With his eyes still closed he tried to find a memory to latch on too, throwing out unrelated thoughts as they popped up and thinking about fighting Zarkon. He saw Galra ships, the other lions through Blue’s monitors, the star-spangled night of space but they all felt like old memories attached to moments he could already recall.

“It was a rescue mission.” Pidge’s voice sounded distant over the hum in his veins and he tried to focus on her words.

“You were covering the red lion as it went it to get the princess.”

Lance frowned as images of the red lion and Allura came to mind, but they were quickly replaced by Keith himself. That was a harder image to throw away.

Keith in his paladin armour faded into Keith from this afternoon, bare-chested and moving closer to him. He quickly pushed the memory away, conjuring up an older memory of Keith, back on the battle field and fully dressed.

He could see Keith crouching behind a rock formation, bayard at the ready as he looked to Lance and nodded a signal.

_“Lance, you’re ok. You’re ok.”_

He could hear Keith but his words didn’t match the memory. He sounded worried.  Panicked. There was a flash of purple light and with a gasp Lance felt himself suddenly relax, tension he didn’t know he’d been holding seeping from his limbs as the warm buzzing stopped.

“Hey-” he started to say, the words _“I think it was working! What the hell?”_ stuck in his throat as he tried to sit up. Weakly he slipped back down, propped up awkwardly on one elbow as Pidge frowned down at him.

“I had to shut it off or you were going to have a heart attack.” She told him sternly, shaking her head in defeat.

“I’ll have to adjust the settings.”

“No!” Lance lunged forward, grabbing hold of her arm as she reached to remove the wires.

“It worked! Turn it back on!”

“No, Lance.” She said firmly, easily brushing his hand away as he fell limply back on the bed.

“It’s not safe yet.”

He closed his eyes in defeat, face screwed up to hide the tears of frustration gathering in his eyes.

“I’m not giving up though,” she added, plucking the patches off and gathering up her invention.

“We’ll try again.”

Lance nodded weakly, listening for the sound of his door closing behind her before he slipped into an exhausted sleep.

#

“You. Did. _What_?” Keith ground out, fist clenched tightly around a spoon as Pidge gulped nervously.

“I mean I tried a _very safe_ , _totally harmless_ technique to help Lance access his memories.”

The paladins were gathered together at the table to feast again, plus Allura and minus Lance who was still sleeping after the afternoon’s trial.

“You just said ‘experiment’.” Keith accused, voice dangerously low as Shiro intervened.

“Now Keith, Pidge only has good intentions. She wouldn’t hurt Lance.”

“Not on purpose anyway.” Pidge clarified to a groan from Hunk and a wince from Shiro.

“My point exactly. Just leave it alone before you hurt someone.” Keith shot back, glaring daggers across the table as Pidge crossed her arms defensively.

“But it worked.” Pidge defended herself, drawing back under the intense stares now aimed her way.

“Kinda.” She tacked on, rounding on Keith as he dismissed her with a scoff.

“It did! He remembered something!”

“What did he remember?” Keith couldn’t help asking, a flicker of hope igniting despite his resolve not to be too optimistic.

“I’m not sure; he didn’t say.”

Keith’s shoulders slumped, disappointed as he considered how vague that sounded.

“But he wanted to keep going.” 

Keith turned, swivelling in his seat to face Pidge as she squared her shoulders and told him,

“And we’re going to try again.”

#

Lance woke in the dark, blankets pulled over his chest but his feet uncovered in the chilly room. He sat up, relieved to note that he was no longer feeling weak and shaky like he had after the memory experiment.

Now he just felt hungry. He’d missed dinner and as he looked around the room hoping for food his eyes came to rest on a pitcher of something cold and water-like on the bedside table. Lance poured a cup of it to sip as he sat on the edge of the bed. He’d had strange dreams and he wasn’t sure what had been his weird brain making things up and what might be half-recovered memories.

Keith had been with him in his dreams. They’d been in the water again, but instead of the ocean it had looked like a spring in a forest. And it had been at night, the cool blue water reflecting thousands of tiny glowing lights as they kissed. With a jolt Lance realised that in his dream they had been naked and he felt a thrill of embarrassment, almost like he was spying on someone else.

He felt disconnected from Dream or possibly Past Lance; unable to reconcile they might be the same person because he didn’t share an emotional connection to the events he half-remembered.

Because Past Lance, or Dream Lance or whoever the hell he was had loved Keith in the spring under an alien sky, he was sure of it. He had felt for just a moment a deep bond with the other paladin, an affection that transcended anything he had felt before. When he had kissed him his heart had seemed lighter and bigger than his chest could contain. Like Keith was the only person in the universe that mattered. Like he had found his soulmate.

He downed the last of his drink, setting the empty cup down perhaps a little too forcefully before crawling back under the blanket.

For the first time since learning of his memory loss he felt afraid. He had known he was missing a chunk of his life, but he hadn’t realised how important those missing memories might be to him.

_Or to Keith._

The pressure to recover what had been lost weighed heavily on him as he closed his eyes to sleep again, Keith’s voice from earlier on repeat as he had admitted,

_“I think it might be my fault.”_

#


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by the wonderful AnneSilverfire whose beta-ing skillz have improved it 1000%. Thank you hun, this would still be kicking my ass without you. That being said, any spelling or grammar errors are entirely my own, and if my Aussie spelling starts to become Americanised it’s probably just me succumbing to the inevitable^^

 

“Lance, how are you feeling today?”

He glanced up at Pidge as he took his seat at the small table, not fooled for a second by the kind words. Pidge was in full-on mad scientist mode, adjusting her glasses as she peered at him. He edged away cautiously in case she tried to take his pulse or something.

“Fine.” He shrugged noncommittally, loading up a plate with a selection of things he recognised from breakfast yesterday. Never again would he make the mistake of trying something new first thing in the morning.  The paladins had gathered in the communal room near their sleeping quarters. Every morning their hosts would ensure they were provided with breakfast, but some of it had turned out more palatable than the rest. 

“Hmm.” Clearly unsatisfied with his answer but unwilling to abandon her breakfast to investigate further, Pidge let it go for now and returned to shovelling food into her mouth at breakneck speed.

 “Pidge, slow down before you choke.” Shiro said as he bestowed her with a look of disapproval.

“No can do, Shiro.” Hunk said, coming to her defence as Pidge chewed and swallowed a mouthful.

 “We’re going to tweak the NPA before the summit thingy starts.” He added, prompting Lance to finally look up. 

“The en pee what now?” he asked, a puzzled frown on his face as Allura tuned in to the chatter. Shiro was still frowning, clearly hesitant about what Pidge had cooked up this time.

“The Neural Pathway Activator,” Pidge piped up now that she was no longer stuffing her face.

“It’s the thing we tried yesterday to help Lance remember.” She explained proudly as she glanced around the table. “If all goes well it should help to bridge the gap in Lance’s brain to his lost memories.”

“Pidge, that’s amazing!” Allura gushed.

Perhaps unsurprisingly Shiro voiced his objection, looking less than pleased as he said sternly, “I don’t think you should be messing around like that Pidge. It sounds dangerous.”

Lance slammed his cup down on the table, the purple liquid spreading across the table as everyone turned to stare at him.  “I don’t care if it’s dangerous.” He voice was low, a hard edge to it that was so un-Lance-like that the table fell silent. “I want my memories back.”

His chair skidded loudly on the floor as he pushed to his feet, breakfast abandoned as he turned to leave. He froze when he spotted Keith loitering just inside the doorway. The look on his face suggested that he’d heard enough.

It was too hard for Lance to put the chaos of his thoughts into words, so he just pushed past Keith roughly, stomping out to the plaza that led to the beach.

 #

“Hey buddy, mind if I join you?” Hunk asked gently.

Lance was watching the distant waves, cheek resting on his knees as he sifted dry sand through his fingers. He had heard sand shifting underneath the steady footsteps of his best friend as he followed him out. If it had been anyone else he would have asked them to leave but to be perfectly honest, he really wanted some friendly advice right now.

Lance let his handful of sand fall, the fine grains scattering in the breeze before he wiped his palm on his pants.

“Sure, Hunk. Pull up a spot.” The forced the cheery invitation sounded wrong to him and he winced as Hunk dropped down next to him. He couldn’t cover his mood up with fake bravado; Hunk could see straight through him.

 “You know it’s not worth it, right?” There was an underlying tone of distress in Hunk’s voice and it was causing a guilty feeling to twist in his gut as Lance looked at his friend.

“Don’t have a choice, do I?” he dropped his gaze, turning to hide his face in his folded arms as Hunk watched him earnestly. “I need to remember.” His voice came out muffled against his arm, a hint of desperation bleeding through the words. 

“It’s not the end of the world.” Hunk said simply, “Can’t you just start over?” He asked as Lance turned to look over at him. “You’ll make new memories.” He shrugged like that should be the end of it.

“You don’t understand,” Lance groaned in reply. “I don’t feel like _me_.”

“What do you mean?” Hunk sounded genuinely baffled.

“I feel…confused.” He admitted hesitantly, avoiding eye contact as he watched the waves beating against the beach. “Like I don’t even know how to act anymore around…everyone.”

Hunk looked troubled, his mouth turned down in a frown as he thought that “everyone” was probably just “Keith”. Lance watched his expression change with a sideways glance and tried to lighten the dark mood that had settled. Just because he was down in the dumps didn’t mean he had to drag everybody else down here with him.

“So is this the craziest thing that’s ever happened or what?” Lance forced a laugh, meeting Hunk’s startled gaze and watching as a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

“I don’t know.” He said thoughtfully, turning to look back over the ocean as the sun’s rays glittered on the waves.  “We got stranded on a mermaid planet once. That was pretty crazy.”

“What? I missed out on mermaids?” Lance shook his head in disbelief. “This just gets worse and worse.”

“Yeah, you even stopped a weird algae-dragon threatening their village. It was totally dead in the water.” Hunk chuckled, but the expected groan at his pun never came and he looked over to see Lance frowning, his gaze downcast.  “You should talk to him.” Hunk suggested softly, watching carefully for his reaction.

For a moment Lance considered just pretending he hadn’t heard that last part. It was good advice. He _should_ talk to Keith. But it was hard. He didn’t know what to say to him because every time he tried to interact Keith was just shutting him down. Except for those times when he wasn’t, and that just opened up a whole new can of worms, because in the interests of remaining sane Lance was currently pretending those were just figments of his imagination.

“We should head back.” Was all he said out loud, standing up and brushing the sand from his pants as he turned away.

He quickly marched back towards his hall and the rest of the team, his shoes slipping in the soft sand as he made his escape. Behind him he couldn’t see Hunk holding himself back, letting Lance go. Hunk knew that it was going to take time for Lance to work this out but it was hard to watch it hurting his friend.

After a moment Hunk stood and followed him slowly back up the beach, wishing there was something he could do, anything to get Lance smiling again—groaning at his puns again—being Lance again.

#

“Fancy seeing you here.” Lance panicked, saying the first thing that came to his mind when he pushed through the double doors. He hadn’t been looking where he was going in his desperation to get away from Hunk and he had barrelled straight into Keith.

“Lance, this is the hallway for our rooms.”

“I know that.” Lance backpedalled, casting around for literally anything to say to make the situation less awkward, but Keith beat him to it.

“Don’t do it. Don’t let Pidge zap you again.”

The imploring tone was enough to catch Lance’s attention, his gaze finally settling on Keith. His mouth was set in a frown, the look on his face familiar from their garrison days.

“Why not? No one else has any ideas.” He said airily, pushing past Keith to reach his room at the far end of the hall. “I don’t know about you but I don’t like walking around with no memories. I kinda feel like an idiot not knowing stuff everyone else knows.”

From behind him he heard Keith sigh, the sound of his boots on the carpeted floor indicating he was following him.

“You’re not an idiot Lance, you have _amnesia_.”

“And I’m trying to _not_ have amnesia.” His retort was terse, thrown over his shoulder as he reached his door.

His hesitated, hand on the handle as Keith came to a stop behind him.

“I…had a dream about you last night.” Lance admitted quietly, deliberately looking down as he cast his mind back to the spring he had seen.

He could feel a faint blush warm his cheeks, somehow recalling those scenes in the light of day made them seem even more embarrassing.

“Did you remember something?” Keith asked, trying to disguise the hopeful edge in his voice and failing miserably.

“Maybe…” Lance said non-committedly.

He was surprised when he looked up to see that Keith was leaning towards him, eyes wide with interest as he waited for Lance to continue. For a moment Lance was lost, the flush in his cheeks wasn’t the only heat he felt and he leaned closer to Keith as the words tumbled unbidden from his lips.

“A spring. At night.”

Lance watched as Keith’s eyes squeezed shut, his bottom lip caught in his teeth. That cemented it then; definitely a memory and not a dream. Strangely it made him feel less embarrassed; if it had been a memory then at least his subconscious brain hadn’t dreamt up frolicking naked in a spring with Keith. Keith’s eyelids were fluttering open again and he was so close Lance could see himself reflected in his pupils.

Clearly he had spoke too soon; the embarrassment was definitely back.

“Probably just a dream.” Lance said abruptly, and he yanked open his door to flee, the solid barrier between him and the strange face Keith was making at him at least a little comforting.

#

Lance had managed to avoid Keith for the rest of the morning by volunteering to pair with Pidge. They were standing guard over the negotiating table and he had been quietly telling Pidge about his dream and how he thought it might be related to their experiment yesterday. He had thought that as the brains behind this operation Pidge would be interested in the results but so far all she’d done was slap her hands over her ears, eyes screwed shut as she complained. 

“Ew, Lance. TMI.” Pidge pulled a face, squinting up at him as Shiro glanced their way disapprovingly.

“I’m just saying I think it might have worked.” He grinned as Pidge squirmed uncomfortably; her face tinged pink from what Lance had thought had been a pretty G-rated description of his recollection. He had at least omitted the most embarrassing of the details like the apparent nakedness and the kissing. He felt she could have shown more gratitude for his willingness to divulge any of the results of her experiment, especially when they included Sexy Dream Keith. That idle thought was enough to wipe the smile off his face as Pidge spoke up again.

“Still though.” Pidge said distractedly, darting a glance over at Keith by the doors looking dejected as Hunk tried to engage him in conversation.

“So we can try again tonight, yeah?” Lance asked excitedly and Pidge turned the full force of her stare on him.

“You understand this might never work, right Lance?” She said carefully, eyes searching his as she explained for what felt like the hundredth time.  “You might not even be able to trust the memories you recall; they could be corrupted or incomplete.”

“So what should I do then?” his voice was tinged with a hint of exasperation, “Just give up?”

“I’m not saying give up,” she corrected, pushing her glasses up as the shake of her head dislodged them, “Just that maybe you should temper your expectations; this isn’t a quick fix y’know.”

Lance felt silent as he let Pidge’s words sink in. A quick glance up at Keith confirmed that he was still sulking, the slump of his shoulders weighing heavily on him.

“…Keith is in love with me.”

“Yeah, dude. You guys were inseparable.”

Lance frowned, trying to put into words the mess of emotions he was feeling.

“Without my memories I…I don’t think I can love him back.” He told her sadly.

Pidge sighed as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“It didn’t happen overnight Lance. You guys grew closer gradually, one day at a time. You’ve saved each other so often no one’s even counting anymore.” She explained earnestly.

Lance fell silent as he watched Keith across the room. From the little Pidge had been willing to tell him, it sounded like the feelings from his dream had been spot on. Keith had been more to him than just someone he liked and felt comfortable with. It was such an alien concept that he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it.

“Don’t worry so much, Lance.” Pidge told him confidently. “Keith is the last person who’s going to put pressure on you so just relax.”

#

After another uneventful day in alien politics the paladins escaped from the confines of the meeting hall. Standing guard in their armour all day had left the paladins feeling stiff and sore, and they relished the opportunity to change into more comfortable clothes as soon as they were free. Gathering in the breakfast room they listened to Allura report that the peace talks were going so well that the Mylans felt they no longer required a mediator.

“We’re welcome to stay tonight and they want to hold another feast, but tomorrow we will return to the castle.” She told them before they were dismissed. 

“Good, I’m sick of standing around all day.” Lance said with feeling. He stretched his arms overhead as they filed into the corridor. He felt cooped up and antsy at spending three days in his paladin armour and not being able to fly Blue once.

 “Oh, it’s not so bad.” Hunk interjected, a smile lighting up his face.  “At least no one’s shooting at us, and the food is great.” He trailed off as the group broke up to return to their rooms.

Lance followed Pidge down the hall and ran into her as she stopped abruptly by her own door.

“Really Lance?” She huffed at him and he grinned as he shrugged innocently.

“What? I just thought we had some free time so why not, y’know, have another crack at it?”

With a sigh Pidge disappeared into her room and Lance leaned on the doorframe as he waited for her.

“Have another crack at _what_ , exactly?”

Keith’s voice came from behind Lance, his pout almost audible.

“Just a little memory recall.” Lance replied offhandedly, glancing at him over his shoulder.

“Pidge.” Keith ignored Lance, eyes fixed on the returning technician and his tone stern as Pidge appeared carrying the NPA.

“Keith.” She said back, mocking his warning tone as she brushed past him.

A bit put out that Keith was flat-out ignoring him, Lance deliberately bumped into his shoulder as he followed Pidge back to his own room. Keith stood shocked for a moment before wheeling around and marching after them.

“If you insist on being an idiot then at least let me supervise.” He insisted, catching up to them quickly and breathing down Lance’s neck as he opened the door.

“The more the merrier, Mullet.” Lance shot back, pulling his shirt over his head and flinging it away before he turned to sit on the edge of the bed.  “But are you sure you don’t just want to see me shirtless again?”

Lance winked at him and watched Keith’s reaction in stunned fascination.  He had expected a stammered retort or a blush at the very least but he was fast discovering the error of his ways because Keith was now watching him through lowered lashes, dark eyes flashing as he unconsciously licked his lips.

Lance was unprepared for how it made him feel. He was blushing again; he could feel the heat in his cheeks as he swallowed nervously. Keith looked like he wanted to pounce on him and eat him alive, and he was ashamed and embarrassed that his body seemed to invite it. Crave it. Like he wanted to pull Keith down on top of him and…

“Uh, Lance?”

Pidge’s voice cut through his thoughts with startling clarity, bringing him out of his fantasy with a shake of his head.

“Huh?”

“I can give you two a minute if you need…anything…” she said, eyes firmly on the NPA screen as Lance looked down in horror, now registering the heat pooling in his groin as his desires became obvious.

“No!” Lance slammed his hands over his crotch, gasping in pain as his palm connected a little too solidly.

Keith was laughing at him, a slow smirk spreading across his face as Lance winced and pulled the blankets onto his lap. 

“That’s not- you didn’t see- oh my god!”

He gave up, turning to crawl onto the bed and pulling the blanket over himself to hide.

“I might leave you guys to it.” He heard Keith telling Pidge smugly.

“Seems like I might be more of a distraction than a help.”

Lance groaned softly, Keith seemingly uncaring of his distress as his footsteps crossed the room before he heard the door close behind him.

“He’s gone.” Pidge supplied helpfully and Lance tightened the blanket around him.

“Just kill me now,” he moaned, “End my suffering.”

“He’s your _boyfriend_ , Lance.” Pidge tugged on the blanket, uncovering him as Lance let the fabric be tugged from his grip. “Trust me,” she added with a roll of her eyes, “It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.”

“Nope! I don’t remember it so it didn’t happen!” he rolled onto his side, knees clasped to his chest as Pidge looked down at him with a bunch of wires clasped in one hand.

“But it did, and I’m trying to fix it so you do.” she insisted, pushing his legs out of the way so she could attach the first wire to his chest.

Lance closed his eyes as Pidge continued to hook up her device, placing each patch in the same place as yesterday before she finally declared them ready to start.

“I want you to think about what you remembered last time.”

Lance blushed again as the image of them naked in the spring popped into his head.

“Yikes, your heartrate just went through the roof. Take some deep breaths, ok?” Pidge counselled him, and Lance hoped she wouldn’t glance over, see his flaming face and put two and two together.

“Ok.” He said aloud, following Pidge’s instructions as he forced himself to take a deep breath and recall the way Keith had sounded in his head when he’d remembered it yesterday, letting the words repeat over and over in his head.

_“Lance, you’re ok. You’re ok.”_

He focused on the way Keith’s voice seemed to crack on his name. He felt disconnected from the concern that so obviously bled through in his voice, like he was remembering a scene from a movie.

“Ok, I’m switching it on.” He heard Pidge, acknowledged her with another nod of his head and suddenly his body was tingling with the same strange warm buzz as yesterday.

“Keep thinking about the accident.” Pidge said from somewhere far away, and Lance let his mind repeat the single phrase.

_“Lance, you’re ok. You’re ok.”_

Suddenly the words were accompanied by an image. He could see Keith crouched on the floor, bent low over what he realised with a shock was his own body. Keith’s hands were cradling Lance’s head in his lap, tears streaming down his face as he told him he was ok.

_“You’re fine, we’ll get you to a healing pod and you’re gonna be fine.”_

A flash of purple blinded him and he felt the ghost of a pain in his head, radiating out until his whole body felt like he’d been hit by a truck.

_“Lance, you’re ok”_

No he wasn’t. He could feel his life force ebbing away, flowing out of him as his heart pumped blood to the wound in his head, bright red blood trickling down his face as his vision slowly faded.

_“You’re gonna be fine.”_

A sob tore from his throat as Lance felt the tension leave him as it had yesterday, slumping back on the mattress with his chest heaving with painful sobs.

“I nearly died.” He choked out as he turned to Pidge, eyes wide with fear. “Pidge, I couldn’t _move_ …it hurt so much. And Keith-“

He stopped speaking abruptly, shaky hands reaching up to cover his face as a tear slipped down his cheek. He curled up as Pidge began to silently remove the patches. She didn’t ask him for more details; she didn’t need too. They had all been there when the Black lion had returned to the castle with Blue broken and limp in her jaws. Pidge was pretty sure the look on Keith’s face, refusing all assistance as he had carried Lance to the medical bay, would haunt her forever. With a sympathetic pat on his shoulder she pulled the blanket over him and left without another word.

#

Lance had fallen asleep just like he had yesterday, too weak to move after the strain of Pidge’s invention zapping him full of electricity. He could see Keith, bending down to cradle his head as Lance looked up at him.

_“Lance.”_

He was on the floor, unable to move, watching helplessly as Keith reassured him through his tears.

_“Lance!”_

He wanted to reach up and wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks, tell him it was ok, he was fine, _please don’t cry Keith, please don’t cry, I love yo-_

“Lance!”

Suddenly Lance felt awake, the dream or memory slipping away as he realised Keith really was leaning over him, a concerned look plastered on his face. But he wasn’t crying this time; his eyes were dry although pinched with worry as he shook him awake.

“You were having a nightmare.” Keith told him, clearly relieved that Lance was now blinking awake and he reached out to steady him as he struggled to sit up.

“I remembered the accident.” Lance mumbled, one hand reaching up to touch the side of his head, gingerly smoothing over his hair as he felt the unbroken line of his scalp. It had felt so real, his skull had been cracked, the blood warm as it ran down his face.

Even in the gloom he could see the fear in Keith’s eyes as he reached up and gently touched the back of Lance’s hand, fingertips just grazing over his skin as he hesitated.

“I’m sorry.” Keith said softly, pulling away to sit heavily on the edge of the bed.

Lance dropped his hand as he drew his knees to his chest. He could still feel the panic that had gripped him in his dream, _no, the memory_ , he corrected himself.

“I thought I was gonna die.” He whispered, looking over at how Keith had doubled over, his face hidden in his hands. He reached out tentatively to pinch the back of Keith’s shirt between his fingers, giving it a light tug before adding, “You were crying.”

He watched Keith’s shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath before he looked back over his shoulder.

“Is it ok if…” Keith hesitated, shifting to turn around to face Lance fully before he continued. “Can I just…hug you real quick?”

Lance uncurled slowly at his request, arms moving to lay by his sides as Keith climbed up to kneel beside him. He held still as he felt Keith’s arms wrap around him, one hand smoothing up to cradle his head as he let out a shaky breath. 

“I thought I’d lost you.” Keith confessed in a low whisper.

Lance felt powerless to stop as he raised his arms to slide around Keith’s waist. He had lowered his head to rest against Keith’s shoulder and all he could think about was the way Keith was slowly stroking his hair.

“I was so scared.”

Keith’s voice was barely a whisper as Lance tightened his arms around him. He knew he owed him this. Lance had only just remembered the accident, but Keith had been walking around for a week with the emotional fallout of having Lance dying in his arms. The least he could do was let him have this closure.

 _But am I only doing it for Keith?_ He thought as Keith started to pull away, the hand in his hair drifting down to his shoulder as he slowly pushed away from him.

“Wait.”

Keith froze as Lance spoke, the word hanging between them in the dark as Lance tilted his face up.

“If…” he met Keith’s eyes shyly, suddenly unsure but not able to back out now that he’d committed, “If you wanna kiss me again that would be…ok.”

A few seconds of silence passed after he made his offer, just long enough for the awkwardness to settle in before Keith reached up to gently cup his chin, drawing him close enough to softly press his lips against his. It was just as innocent as their kiss the other night; the barest touch of lips before Keith was pulling away again and Lance felt disappointment well up until he was reaching out to grab fistfuls of Keith’s shirt, tugging him back down as he crashed their lips together again.

 _This is more like it_ , he thought as Keith’s hand slid around to cup the back of his head, drawing him down more firmly as his lips parted and he felt the slide of Keith’s tongue against his own.

This was familiar, Lance’s sensing firing up as he lost himself in the way they moved together. With just a gentle tug of encouragement Lance had pulled Keith on top of him, just like he’d felt the urge to earlier. He could feel the reassuring weight of Keith pressing down on him and rather than causing him to panic he felt safe, so safe, like this was where he belonged.

And then Keith made the tiniest sound, a desperate moan that sent a wave of panic racing through him and in a sudden rush the enormity of his situation came crashing down around him.

He pushed Keith back, scrambling to get away as his face flushed bright red because _he had just been kissing Keith Kogane_. The Mullet. Team Voltron’s emo kid and Lance’s sworn rival.

“Sorry!” he blurted out, unsure if he meant “sorry for kissing you” or “sorry for pushing you away” or maybe he meant both? But Keith was already backing away, sliding off the bed with his hands raised like Lance had a gun trained on him or something.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” Keith started to apologise but he couldn’t finish, quickly turning and leaving as silently as he had come.

Lance stared after him in the gloom, one hand pressed over his rapidly beating heart as he tried to work out what exactly had just happened.

#

“Woah, Lance. Hungry much?” Hunk teased as Lance piled his plate with food.

“He did miss dinner again.” Pidge reminded him, spearing one of the orange coloured things she was quite fond of off Lance’s plate; he had just taken the last three.

“Oi.” He complained but let it slide. Now that he was looking closer Pidge had giant bags under her eyes. It looked like she might have been up all night and if that was the case he suspected it had more to do with him and the NPA then he would have liked.

“True, true,” Hunk mused, but he still moved his own favourite dish to his left and out of range of Lance’s pillaging.

“So how did the zapping go last night?” Hunk asked, drawing the attention of Shiro from the opposite end of the table.

“Good.” Lance mumbled through a mouthful of food.

Pidge was quiet, visibly shrinking back as she avoided eye contact.

“It worked?” Shiro asked in surprise, looking between Lance and Pidge as Lance made a non-committal sound.

“He was able to recall the accident.” Pidge supplied quietly as Lance continued to eat and pretend he hadn’t heard her.

Hunk looked sympathetic and slid the plate he had relocated back over to Lance.

The tension was lifted by the appearance of Allura, sweeping in with a huge smile on her face as she told them there was going to be an official send-off for them which might involve a parade of some sort. Lance perked up considerably after that, and in the excited chatter that followed he was almost able to overlook the fact that Keith didn’t come in for breakfast.

#

Being back in the castle was a relief and Lance wasted no time in escaping up to the observation deck, the endless expanse of space a calming sight after the bustle of the morning. He’d enjoyed being a spectacle, waving from the podium and blowing kisses to the crowd but when all was said and done he was glad to have a minute to himself to just think about things.

He was enjoying being alone; he had _needed_ to be alone for a while now, so when he heard the door open he slid sideways, hiding himself completely behind the console he had been using as a backrest and hoping that whoever it was would go away soon.

“Alright, what’s on your mind?”

Lance froze. That was Shiro talking, and while he had easily slipped into a habit of mentoring his younger teammates he was pretty sure given the circumstances that the one currently activating the “Big Brother Shiro” card was Keith.

Lance’s suspicions were quickly confirmed,

“You know it’s Lance.” Keith said, voice strained like he was holding back.

Lance sat perfectly still, eyes wide as he offered up a silent plea that they wouldn’t linger here long. It was too late now to stand up and make his presence known and Lance would rather die than admit to Keith he had heard him.

 “I can’t stop myself, it’s just so hard-“ Keith cut himself off suddenly. 

A dull reverb vibrated at Lance’s back and he realised that Keith had just kicked the console. _Not very mature, Mullet_ , he thought to himself, crouching even lower as he heard Shiro’s sympathetic response.

“Did you talk to Lance, get everything out in the open?”

“What do you think?” Keith asked sarcastically, kicking the console again but much softer this time, just a slow steady _tap, tap, tap_ of his booted foot against the metal.

“I’ve never been good at this stuff, Lance-“

Keith stopped again abruptly and for a few heart stopping seconds Lance was sure he had been busted. He held his breath, eyes squeezed shut as he waited for the shouting to start.

“Lance was always the one that helped me sort out this shit.”

_Oh no._

Keith’s voice was unsteady, his pain obvious in every wavering syllable.

“I know, Keith. You’re really good for each other.” Shiro told him earnestly, encouraging him to continue.

“What am I going to do, Shiro?” he asked, and Lance felt his heart thump painfully in his chest. “I need him, _so much_ , and he doesn’t remember _any_ of it.”

“Pidge and Hunk are working on it-“

Keith cut Shiro off with a derisive laugh.

“Please. Even Pidge doesn’t believe it will work.”

Shiro tried to reason with him but he shut him down straight away.

“It’s just typical of Lance to believe that fairy-tale crap.” 

Lance bristled at the insult, hands balling into fists as he glared over his shoulder in the direction of Keith’s disembodied voice. It sounded like Keith might have sat down, sliding to the floor and leaning back on the console as he continued.

“I miss him.”

He sounded so forlorn Lance’s anger dissipated, leaving him with his heart pounding for an entirely different reason.

“Everything’s gonna be ok, Keith.” Shiro reassured him. “He might not remember everything right away, or even at all, but it could be worse.”

“How?” Keith moaned, the word muffled and Lance suspected he must have his face in his hands again.

“You know how.” Shiro chastised, but his tone was gentle.

Keith sighed, the silence stretching out until his quiet voice could be heard again.

“I know.”

Lance hardly dared to breathe as Keith continued in a soft voice,

“I’m grateful he made it, you know I am. But I can’t help but feel that a part of him _did_ die. The part that loved me.” 

“Keith-“

But he was cutting him off, the sound of his boots scraping on the floor as he climbed slowly to his feet.

“You’re right,” he admitted somewhat reluctantly.

Lance was holding his breath, giddy with the high of eavesdropping on a conversation that he shouldn’t be privy to and the knowledge that he could be found out at any second. He heard the exhale of breath as Keith’s voice grew more distant.

“Sorry, Shiro. I just wanna be alone for a while.”

Keith’s voice was floating back from the doorway and Lance slowly let out his pent-up breath as he heard the door open and slide closed again. He had just considered crawling out from his hiding place when Shiro’s voice made him freeze in his tracks again.

“You can come out now.”

Slowly and with the guiltiest look on his face, Lance slowly stood up to look over the console.

Shiro was facing him, arms crossed but a wry smile on his face as Lance appeared.

“Before you start apologising, I realise you weren’t listening in on purpose; you were clearly here first.”

Lance opened his mouth, stopped, closed it again and tried to think before making another attempt.

“If you knew I was here why didn’t you say anything?” he finally settled on asking, genuinely curious.

Shiro’s smile twitched wider before he got it back under control but it was too late; the illusion was ruined. He dropped his folded arms to shrug as he offered up an explanation.

“How else was I going to get Keith to communicate with you?” he said wryly.

“I wish there was something I could do Shiro.” Lance offered meekly, the hopelessness of the situation washing over him.

But as Shiro gestured him over for a hug Lance felt a smile tug at his lips, his guilt evaporating as Shiro gently scruffed up his hair. 

“You’re a good kid, Lance.” He told him fondly as he patted him on the head, “We’re gonna work this out.”

#

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can pry an insecure bisexual Lance with anxiety issues from my cold, dead hands.

 

 

Lance had a lot to think about as he slowly made his way back to his room. He had always liked girls; they were soft and pretty and he loved the way their cheeks flushed pink when he complimented them, and he knew he still felt that way. He’d had a lot on his mind while they were playing the diplomacy game with the Myklans, and honestly he’d been too distracted to feel like flirting with the locals. Despite this, it hadn’t escaped his attention that regardless of what had changed in his life in the last year girls were still Pretty™.  

And this was what was causing him issues. He was slowly adjusting to the fact that he clearly had just recently been head-over-heels in love with Keith, mostly because it was getting harder and harder to ignore the proof that it was the truth. Even if he didn’t believe his friends, the physical evidence couldn’t be denied.

It was the way he reacted to Keith: his heart skipped, his palms got sweaty and his stomach fluttered with butterflies whenever he was near. But it wasn’t just nerves now. When he had kissed him last night he had felt like he was on fire, and just now when he had heard Keith sounding so dejected, so desperately unhappy, he had felt an intense urge to comfort him.

Was that what love was? Honestly Lance wasn’t sure. Something he would never admit out loud was that his experience in the romance department was not as extensive as he would have others believe. Lance had no idea what it felt like to be in love. He knew what it looked like though. It was the way his mama always knew just what to say to cheer him up on a bad day. It was the way papa would dance with mama in the kitchen until everyone else lined up for a turn, and the way an apology sounded after a fight with his sister, shouted through remorseful tears because she hadn’t meant to say those things really.

These were interesting observations but while he had managed to grasp a few pieces of the puzzle he was still missing the final picture. The gap in his memories felt like a betrayal. It didn’t sit well with him that someone as important as the person you loved could just be forgotten like that. What if he’d forgotten his family too? So far in space, so far from Earth and the possibility of being able to see them again how would he ever remember them again?

His feet had carried him to his door on autopilot and he flopped down on his bed as he continued to turn over the problem that he had been facing since he first realised he was missing what had apparently been an eventful year for him. 

With a pillow clutched to his chest and a frown turning down his mouth he considered that while he didn’t feel like he was in love with Keith, he could readily admit (to himself, in the privacy of his own head) that while it had freaked him out at first he had definitely enjoyed kissing Keith last night. In fact every time he’d acted instinctively around Keith it had led to quite pleasant if a little embarrassing developments and it was giving him an idea.

Maybe what he needed to do was to stop overthinking things and just keep listening to what his instincts were telling him, fake it ‘til you make it style. It had to be worth a try anyway and as he closed his eyes he decided that he would test this new method later at lunch.

#

Lance was late to lunch for two reasons.

The first was that he wanted to make sure Keith got there first. He doubted he had changed much over the year he couldn’t remember and Lance was _always_ the last at the table. If he wanted to start acting on his instincts he needed to make sure he was giving them familiar situations to react to. 

The second reason was he was stalling. As much as he’d tried to counsel himself to just stop over-thinking and go with the flow he was freaking out about what that might mean. Recalling some of the urges he’d had over the last few days was enough to make him blush even in the privacy of his own room and he was starting to think that maybe this wasn’t the best plan after all.

After checking the time once again he pulled himself to his feet reluctantly. Lunch started at least ten minutes ago; everyone else should definitely be there by now. He made his way down the corridors to the dining room and before he could chicken out entirely he slapped his hand over the panel to open the door, taking a deep breath before plunging ahead.

“Did you get lost, Lance?” Shiro commented, the first to acknowledge him as he awkwardly made his way over to the table.

“Funny.” He replied weakly, distracted as his eyes travelled from Shiro to the empty seat between him and Keith.

Keith sat up straighter, head turning just a fraction towards Lance as he drew closer and Lance’s first instinct was to lean over and kiss the top of his head as he passed.

 _I can’t do that!_ He thought, horrified as his steps brought him closer and closer to his doom.

But he’d made a deal and he had to stick to it if he wanted to know if it would work, so in a compromise to save his sanity he reached out and let his hand brush lightly over Keith’s head. He felt Keith go very still, and as Lance let his fingers stroke gently through Keith’s soft, dark hair he wondered what kind of face the other paladin was making. Dropping into the seat next to Keith, he shot a glance over in time to see him angle away from Lance, turning his chair so that his face was mostly hidden from view.

Not exactly a victory, but never mind; he was just getting started.

“Ah, the pink goo. My favourite.” Lance said, hoping to lighten the mood because everyone was staring at him now.

“Is it?” Coran piped up jauntily, breaking the silence that had descended over the room. He sent a large platter of the bubblegum-tinted goo bobbing further down the table. “In that case I’ll have to program it more often.”

Lance expected the sigh he heard from Hunk, but was surprised that Allura seemed to be hiding a grimace too.

“This one is calibrated with a Sinatocca activator. I’ve always found it good for morale!” Coran added in a cheerful voice as Lance offered him a hesitant smile.

“Uh, sure Coran. Thanks.” Lance ladled some goo onto his plate and raised a spoonful to his mouth before he risked a glance at Keith.

It looked like following his instincts was maybe not the way to go after all, because Keith was sitting unnaturally still and was now darting looks over his shoulder, eyeing him suspiciously.

“What?” Lance asked around a mouthful of goo and the rest of the table fell silent waiting for Keith to answer.

“…nothing.” He said at last, eyes dropping back to his own plate.

“So Lance,” Pidge called out, pulling his attention away from Keith for the moment. “I’ve been working on integrating the NPA with the Altean memory device and I might be able to extract your memories.”

All eyes were on Pidge now and she carefully avoiding meeting Keith’s glare as she continued.

“If it works I think I’ll be able to download them to the device, and then you can play them back through the ship’s AI projector.” She finished smugly as she dragged her spoon through the small pile of goo left on her plate.

“What’s the risk?” Keith asked immediately, cutting off Lance before he could say anything and he turned to face Keith instead.

“Who says there’s a risk? Pidge knows what she’s doing.” He told him indignantly.

“Actually,” Pidge began, adjusting her glasses and continuing to avoid looking at Keith,

“It does carry an element of danger.”

“No more than the NPA on its own though, right?” Hunk asked hesitantly, although he seemed to be preparing for the worst as Pidge explained.

“For the download to be successful, Lance would need to be connected to the NPA for longer than we’ve tried so far.” She looked over at Lance and he swallowed nervously as she added, “There is a possibility his heart might sorta explode.”

“Absolutely not.”

Keith had stood up, hands slamming down on the table with enough force to make the dishes clatter. Lance snuck a look at him sideways, taking in the way his shoulders were tight, head hung low enough that his hair was shielding his eyes but Lance could see Keith wasn’t angry.

Keith was scared.

“I’m game.” Lance said with a confidence he didn’t feel, baulking as all eyes around the table were suddenly on him, all except Keith who was still standing with his head bowed and hands curling into fists on the table.

“What?” he met their gazes, his confidence returning as he continued,

“This might be my only shot. Gotta take it, right?”

He looked around at everyone’s faces, taking in the distress on Hunk’s, the way Allura kept opening and closing her mouth like she had something to say but couldn’t find the right words. Coran looked like he wanted to put his own two cents worth in but was holding back, and Shiro…

Shiro looked like he was supressing rage.

“We can discuss this later.” Shiro finally said, effectively shutting down the conversation as Keith stalked from the room without another word.

#

The mood at the lunch table hadn’t recovered and Lance excused himself before too long, needing to get away from the stifling atmosphere. He could tell that Shiro wanted to have words with him but he decided he’d let him have words with Pidge first and hopefully run out of steam before he tore into him about the proposed plan.

He already knew where Shiro was coming from; and maybe it was foolish to gamble his life on the possibility of recovering some memories. If it was anyone else in this situation Lance knew he wouldn’t hesitate to tell them that it wasn’t worth it, just move on and live life.

But it was him in this situation, and he felt keenly aware of the importance of his missing memories. This wasn’t just about him, it was about Keith, too. He could see it was hurting Keith badly, worse than it was for Lance himself and it was killing him to see it.

His feet had taken him to the training deck and he couldn’t help his small smile as he walked in and found Keith carving up a training droid.

 _“Typical.”_ He muttered to himself as he slid to the floor to watch Keith train.

“At least some things haven’t changed.”

He watched quietly as Keith ran himself out of energy, his strikes becoming wilder and less controlled before Lance got up to sneak closer.

“You can’t kill your problems, Keith.” He said loudly, jumping back as Keith swung his bayard around, tip pointed straight at Lance’s throat as he backed away with his hands in the air in surrender.

“Woah, calm down cowboy.”

Keith’s chest was heaving with exertion, sweat sticking his hair to his forehead as his eyes travelled over Lance’s face. He swung the sword down in irritation, eyes sliding to the side to avoid his gaze.

“What do you want?” he asked suspiciously, clipping his bayard to his belt as the program ended.

“Who says I want anything?” Lance replied flippantly, closing the gap between them now that Keith was disarmed.

He was still trying to play the instincts game but Lance was having a hard time coming to grips with how they were telling him to step closer, hook a leg around Keith’s and wrestle him to the floor. He settled instead for taking another step forward so that he was close enough to reach up and push Keith’s hair back off his forehead.

“Gross. You’re all sweaty now.” He told him as he dragged his fingers through his wet hair.

“I was training, idiot. You’d be sweaty too.”

There was hesitation written all over his face. Lance was captivated as he took it in, his hand drifting down to settle on Keith’s shoulder.

Keith’s eyes closed and Lance watched his reactions as he moved closer, pressing against Keith and feeling the heat rolling off him as he felt Keith’s hands sliding over his hips.

When Keith moved it took a moment for Lance to realise what was happening and it wasn’t until he was pressing his lips against his that his own eyes drifted closed, surrendering to his instincts at last as he let Keith kiss him.

It only lasted for a few moments; with a start Keith was already backing away, head shaking as he stammered out an apology before fleeing the training room.

Lance let him go, no less confused about what it was he wanted than when he’d arrived.

#

“Lance, why are you staring at a healing pod?”

Lance jumped when Hunk’s voice startled him out of his thoughts. He’d wandered the castle aimlessly after Keith had took off on him and found himself in the healing bay. He’d called up the pod, not thinking it would do any good exactly but just running his hand over the panel, thinking about how it had stitched him back together perfectly in the past and how spectacularly it had failed him on this last occasion.

“No reason.” He pressed the button to send the pod back, turning around to face Hunk.

“Just thinking, y’know?”

Hunk made a sympathetic face. It was hard watching his friend flounder like this and he wished there was some way he could help.

“I’m sorry, man.”

Lance found he could smile, Hunk had always had his back and he was glad that didn’t seem to have changed.

“At least I still have you, buddy.” He slung an arm around his neck as he turned them towards the common room.

“Should we go see if there’s anything left of Pidge?”

Hunk eyed him sideways, a frown creasing his face in displeasure at Lance’s joke.

“Dude, Shiro really laid in to her. There’s a firm no-go on endangering your life.”

Lance shrugged, still unconvinced that the risk was really that serious.  The NPA had been fine, really. Sure, it felt weird and he was super tired afterwards but as for endangering his life? He was pretty sure everyone was just being overdramatic, and that was his job so they could all just chill.

“What do we do for fun around here these days anyway?” he asked in an effort to change the subject, please when Hunk’s face immediately lit up.

“Ohh, you won’t remember how to play Quizna-King!” Hunk gushed enthusiastically, “I might finally be able to beat you!”

Lance grinned as he listened to Hunk explaining the rules, glad that he’d been able to turn Hunk’s mood around. He’d missed a year but at least he still had his best friend.

#

“Say it!” Lance shouted happily, slamming down his last card and grinning over at Hunk as he let his cards fall, groaning in defeat.

“Aw, quiznak! How did you beat me _again_?” Hunk moaned as he pondered how Lance had beaten him three times in a row already.

“I’m just that good.” Lance said, blowing on his nails and polishing them on his shoulder as he preened.

Hunk had been so confident he’d wipe the deck with him, inadvertently boosting Lance’s ego when he’d told him that Lance was the undisputed champion on board. Lance had listened to his brief explanation of the rules and three straight wins later and Lance’s victory glow had only intensified, relief that _at least_ _he could still do something_ coursing through him.

“That’s it, you’re cheating somehow.”

They had set up their game on the floor in the middle of the common room and Lance was thoroughly enjoying himself. Hunk started gathering the cards back, turning them over to check the backs while Lance slouched against the sofa, arms along the cushions as he stretched his legs out in front of him.

“’fraid not, my dude.” He gloated.

He didn’t remember playing the game before but he had taken to it immediately, letting his instincts take over. He heard the door open as Hunk began to shuffle the cards and he looked up as Keith walked in.

Keith had clearly had a shower; he’d changed his clothes and his hair was fluffy and dry again. Lance found himself thinking about how soft it had felt when he’d touched it at the lunch table.

Patting the seat he called over to him.

“Wanna watch me kick Hunk’s butt?” he held his breath as Keith hesitated, hovering in the entrance for a moment before he changed direction and walked over to where Lance was sitting, collapsing onto the sofa about a foot away from Lance’s hand and fixing his eyes firmly on the cards Hunk was now dealing.

“You’re not gonna beat me this time, Lance. I have a plan.” Hunk warned cheerfully.

“Bring it, dude.” Lance accepted his challenge easily, shuffling over until his shoulder brushed against Keith’s knee.

The game began and Hunk’s face was pinched in concentration as he tried to out-manoeuvre Lance in what was turning out to be an extreme space version of Uno.

“Gonna have to do better than that, my man.” Lance told him with a cocky grin, holding up a fist expectantly and grinning as Keith hesitantly bumped it with his own.

“Did you see that, babe? I am the king at this.”

Lance’s smile faded as Keith turned away from him, shrinking back slightly so that his leg was no longer touching Lance.

It hurt, he couldn’t pretend otherwise, and Lance wasn’t hiding it every time his actions were met with rejection.

“Jeez, don’t be too happy for me, someone might think you actually _like_ me or something.” He snapped, shifting further away.

“Lance.” Hunk said quietly, the warning tone in his voice clear as Keith stood up.

“I’m gonna go see Shiro.” He mumbled, escaping from the room as silence descended.

He didn’t say anything, but the look Hunk was giving him clearly read ‘nice going, Lance”, the disappointment in his eyes more than Lance wanted to deal with right now.

“…I think I’ll go see what Pidge is up to.” He climbed to his feet, a frown marring his usually cheerful face as his cards slipped through his fingers, scattering across the floor as he left.

#

He’d found Pidge hunched over her laptop, eyes not lifting from the screen as she acknowledged Lance’s presence.

“I’m not allowed to download your memories, so don’t even ask.” She said by way of greeting, shoulders sagging further as Lance sat down cross-legged next to her.

“Sorry I got you in trouble.” He apologised, leaning back on his hands and bumping her knee with his.

He cast a look at her sideways, taking in the slight redness around her eyes and feeling the crushing weight of guilt settle in his chest.

“Nah, s’not your fault. I was getting carried away.” She brushed it off, fingers still flying over the keys.

“I’ve been thinking about alternatives anyway,” she said, knowing without looking up that Lance was listening attentively by the way he was leaning closer to peer at the screen.

“I have a theory that if we can show you memories that you can’t remember on your own, it might help you to hone in on it with the NPA’s help.” She slapped his hand way as Lance reached out to try and angle the screen more his way and he pulled his hand back with a yelp.

“Do you remember the mind-linking exercises we did back when we were getting the hang of forming Voltron?” Pidge continued like she hadn’t just slapped him like a naughty child and Lance nodded, eyes widening as Pidge continued to explain her latest idea. “I don’t think it’s a guarantee, but it’s our best shot to minimise your exposure to the NPA.”

“Ok. Let’s do it.” He agreed quickly; there was nothing to think about. Honestly, as scary as Pidge’s ideas had been, the alternative of walking around forever without the missing pieces of his memories was far scarier.

Pidge’s attention was still on her laptop, and she grudgingly angled the screen herself so that Lance could see the table see was working on. There was a column of dates and place names he didn’t recognise, and another column that appeared to be in Altean.

“I’ve been compiling a list of the events I believe will be the most beneficial to attempt to recall. I’m hoping that the memories that you hold to be the most important will have the best chance of being recalled.”

“Since when do you read Altean?” Lance asked, leaning closer to examine the chart. Pidge huffed impatiently and turned the screen back.

“Crack a book once in your life, Lance.”

“Oh.” His shoulders slumped dejectedly.

“I’m kidding,” Pidge nudged him with an elbow until he stopped frowning, “I was just sick of not being able to read any of the castle screens. You might not remember it but you’ve really improved a lot too.”

He found himself smiling despite his mood, Pidge was clearly trying in her own way to cheer him up.

“Thanks Pidge. And thanks for doing this.” he gestured at the screen, but to his surprise she only frowned at the data.

“Don’t thank me yet. For this to have the best chance of success I think you should try it with Keith.” She told him seriously, “And I’m pretty sure he won’t do it. He wasn’t exactly thrilled with the NPA in general.”

“He’ll do it. I’ll ask him.” Lance said confidently, eyes scanning down the column of unknown dates and planet names, unable to connect them to his past but desperate to find out what they meant to him.

“He can say no to you, Lance.” Pidge looked up to give him a withering look, “I’ve seen him do it before.”

Lance shook his head emphatically. “Not this time. This is too important.” His eyes narrowed, fist clenching as he met her uncertain gaze with his determined one.

“I’ll make him say yes.”

#

Keith had emphatically said no.

Lance kicked the wall, his frustration bubbling over as he replayed the failure that had been his absolutely fool-proof plan to get Keith to help him with his memory recovery.

Lance’s first instinct had been to leave out the dangerous part; if Keith knew he was still planning on using the NPA he was sure it would hurt his chance of success. With this in mind he’d told Keith that Pidge thought just being shown the memories would help him trigger his own.

“That sounds unlikely,” Keith had said, arms folded as he regarded him coolly. “Are you sure this “new plan” doesn’t require subjecting you to potential electrocution?”

He’d even used air quotes. Clearly this was not going according to plan. Lance had been prepared to lie, had half a dozen things he could have said instead but faced with real-life Keith he’d been unable to voice any of them, settling instead for the truth that had sealed his fate.

“It’s not that dangerous.” He’d tried to say, but Keith was already holding up a hand, shaking his head at him firmly.

“No. Find another way.” He’d said coldly, and then he’d left him in the corridor where Lance was slowly scuffing up the wall.

Why was Keith being so unreasonable? All Lance wanted to do was get things back to normal around here; why was that such a big deal?

While he still didn’t understand how he had come to love him like he apparently had, it no longer felt so far-fetched. They had always had chemistry, Lance had just assumed it was that of friendly rivals.

He’d never wanted to get on Keith’s bad side; at the garrison he’d idolized the guy. The day he heard Keith had been ejected from the program Lance had been shell-shocked, unable to appreciate his dreams of making fighter class that were now possible because of the opening Keith’s absence left.

And they had continued to butt heads whenever they were thrown together again. Keith had always been a mystery, never letting anyone get too close and Lance knew he wore his heart on his sleeve so he could see how his behaviour often baffled Keith. But he could also see how that tension between them might have changed as they continued to work together.

It was actually kinda romantic when he thought about it like that.

He frowned again as he thought about how Keith was being so difficult, shutting down every idea they’d had to try and get him to remember. Maybe Keith didn’t even want him to remember now?

_No, that can’t be it._

He shook his head as if he could dislodge the thought. Keith wanted Lance to remember, he must. All Lance had to do was move into Keith’s space, get close enough to the other paladin to be touching him and Keith took over instinctively while Lance’s body responded to him like it was the most natural thing in the world. He was started to feel addicted to the way being kissed by Keith made him feel. He was almost jealous of Past Lance, who presumably had got to enjoy all the kissing he wanted without being shut down and pushed away every time Keith realised what he was doing.

But if this was what Lance had to do than so be it.

He still wasn’t in love with the moody jerk, but he definitely liked kissing him.

 _“Get ready, Mullet.”_ He whispered determinedly,

_“I’m still your boyfriend whether you like it or not.”_

#


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys idk if this chapter is any good (-_-) atm its Struggle Town, population: me

 

Lance waited in the shadows of the hallway, eye trained on the distant doors to the dining hall. He had been camped out here for almost twenty minutes, waiting for Keith to appear so they could “conveniently” arrive for dinner at the same time.

It had seemed like a flawless plan, right up until his legs started cramping. He was not used to sitting still for so long and as he fidgeted, fingers drumming on his arm as he felt impatience starting to override every other uncomfortable feeling of being stuck in this uncomfortable position he almost missed his cue.

He shot upright, stumbling a little as the blood rushed back into his feet and he winced at the pins-and-needles sensation as he limped over to Keith.

“Hey Keith,” Lance said, deliberately brushing his shoulder against Keith’s as they walked through the doors side by side. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Keith gave him a silently puzzled look as they made their way to the table, taking a seat in the same place as he had at lunch earlier. Lance couldn’t help his grin of satisfaction as he took a seat next to Keith.

After careful consideration, Lance’s new plan was to tone it down a bit. It hadn’t been lost on him that he had so far only managed to put Keith on-edge, and as he brushed his hand against Keith’s reaching for his cup he felt a little thrill of victory, because Keith hadn’t flinched away this time. Rather his gloveless hand had curled into a loose fist like Keith was intentionally tucking his fingers away before he tried to do something like hold his hand.

Coran had clearly been in charge of proving the food again. Lance eyed the green goo with little enthusiasm. It was blowing his mind that they’d been eating this crap for eighteen months and Hunk hadn’t flipped out and murdered someone yet.

As he served himself a pile of the unappetizing goo he listened to Shiro asking how everybody’s individual training had gone today. Listening to their responses it occurred to Lance that he was probably the reason they hadn’t trained together, and the knowledge that he was still being given special treatment made him feel self-conscious. Trying to shake of the niggling feeling the only way he knew how, he loudly interrupted the flow of conversation, earning a curious look from Keith as he spoke over him.

“Keith was killing it on the training deck today.” Lance faltered for a moment as six pairs of eyes fixed on him. Ignoring everyone else, he turned to make eye contact with Keith before adding, “You’ve really improved.”

He watched in interest as several emotions battled for dominance on Keith’s face. He seemed pleased that Lance was complimenting him, but also confused, and finally he settled on what seemed to be his default “slightly annoyed” expression as he dismissed him with a shrug.

“Of course I have, if you’re comparing me to a year ago. I’d be in trouble if I hadn’t.”

Shiro jumped in to save the situation as he added, “It might be time to try an exercise tomorrow, all five of us.”

Lance looked over as Shiro focused on him. “You’ll find your abilities have improved too, Lance. We need to test you on the training deck before we throw you into a real fight.”

That hadn’t occurred to Lance and he blinked in surprise for a moment. “Hey yeah…” he said slowly as it dawned on him, a smile lighting up his face. “I’ll bet I’m a crack shot now. Am I your superstar sniper or what?” He looked up in surprise as Allura smiled down the table at him.

“Well, yes, but you’re also quite good at hand-to-hand.”

“I’ve never done hand-to-hand!” He protested, looking around the table in confusion. “Since when?”

“At least eight months, dude.” Hunk grinned at him, flashing him a thumbs up. Even Shiro was smiling indulgently as he shot a look down the table.

“Your favourite move is to get Pidge in a headlock.” Hunk added, laughing as Pidge objected loudly. “Hey! Don’t tell him that!”

The tension had lifted again as the paladins joked together and Lance snuck another sideways glance at Keith. He was surprised to see that he was already watching him and he smiled hesitantly.

“How’s your food goo?” he asked, relieved when Keith allowed a small smile back.

“Nutritionally balanced.” He replied, his smile twitching a fraction wider.

“Nice.”  Lance said aloud, while thinking t _his is much better_ as he continued to eat. Keith finally seemed to be relaxing around him and he found himself glancing over more frequently.

Slow and steady seemed to be working, and Lance was prepared to try it for a bit longer if it meant that Keith wasn’t running away from him. He wasn’t giving up on Pidge’s idea yet and if he was going to convince Keith to help him regain his memories then he was going to have to remind Keith just how important those lost memories were.

#

After an uneventful evening Lance made his way to the showers, intending to have a quick wash before hitting the sack.

If he was being completely honest with himself he was feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow. The idea of jumping back into training was both exciting and terrifying when he thought about how he might have changed in the time he couldn’t remember.

The thought of how earlier on the training deck he had felt the urge to wrestle Keith to the floor floated back to him and in light of the hand-to-hand combat discussion at dinner that was at least starting to make sense, although with a blush Lance thought that _that_ particular impulse had probably less to do with combat training and a lot more to do with having Keith pinned under him.

The flush had almost faded from his cheeks when he reached the showers and with a start he realised that Keith had just got out of them. He felt his cheeks flood with colour again as he dropped his eyes to the floor, focusing on the tiles as he put one foot in front of the other on his way to the shower stalls.

“Keith.” He greeted him awkwardly, back to him as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“Lance.” Keith replied, sounding just as uncomfortable as Lance continued to undress.

Lance risked a peek over his shoulder and witnessed Keith quickly pulling his clothes on, back turned firmly on him as he struggled to get his shirt to cover him as it clung to his still damp skin.

Forcing himself to look away Lance fumbled with his own clothes, wondering if Keith was tempted to turn around as the belt in his pants hit the floor with a sound that echoed off the walls. He almost felt disappointed as he heard the door closing and another look confirmed that Keith had run away.

#

He had been wandering the corridors aimlessly, heading back to the wing that housed their rooms but with no set destination when he found himself standing outside Keith’s door.

He’d never been in Keith’s room before, not that he remembered anyway, only noted it in passing in the mornings or after dinner. He thought about knocking but as he raised his hand to curl into a fist he found himself stretching towards the panel, palming over the grey strip until the door slid silently open.

Keith looked up as it opened, eyes widening when he spotted Lance silhouetted in the doorway. Lance didn’t wait for an invitation, just stepped in and let the door close behind him.

“Hey.” He said, standing awkwardly as he watched Keith slowly uncurl from where he had been lying hunched up on his bed.

“Hey.” Keith said back, falling silent again as he watched him.

“How come I started learning hand-to-hand combat?” he blurted out suddenly.

He hadn’t meant to ask that. There were a million thoughts in his head at the moment, questions that possibly only Keith could answer but until he felt like he was ready to hear the answers they would go unasked.

“Oh.” Keith shuffled around until he was sitting with his back against the wall, eyes flicking to the end of the bed in a silent invitation for Lance to have a seat.

“We were on a mission, planet-side. You got laid out by a tiny little Nyuumer and decided that would be the last time.”

“What the quiznak is a Nyuumer?” Lance asked, heart already sinking at the adjectives Keith had used.

“Imagine if a golden retriever was pastel pink and bipedal. They hire themselves out as mercenaries.”

“That sounds like its either mind-bendingly horrifying or out-of-this-world cute.” Lance said uncertainly, and Keith actually cracked a smile.

“Trust me; it’s cute. And no one suspects the little guys.”

“So what’d I do then?” Lance couldn’t help grinning as he thought about what kind of combat training he might have chosen. “Did I go all Bruce Lee on your ass?

For a second there was the briefest smirk, mischief sparkling in his eyes as he appraised Lance silently.

“Uh, nevermind.” Lance quickly shut down wherever that question might take them and tried to think of something else to distract him.

Keith sighed, the laughter fading from his eyes as he shuffled over to make room on the bed.

“Do you want to sit down?” he asked hesitantly, and Lance hovered on the spot, eyeing the bed cautiously before he moved closer to sit next to Keith. He made sure he left a gap between them; he didn’t want a repeat of the last time.

Or did he?

The silence that fell was awkward as Lance tried and failed to think of something to say.

“You don’t have to try so hard.” Keith said softly, and in the quiet of the room the statement hung between them. “I know you’re forcing yourself to talk to me and I want you to know its ok if you don’t.”

Lance turned to stare at Keith dumbfounded, hardly believing his ears as he blinked at him slowly.

“You think I’m forcing myself?” He finally replied, hardly conveying even a fraction of the confusion he was feeling. Why was Keith always trying to shut him out like this?

“I’m not,” he insisted, weigh balanced on his hands as he turned to lean closer, “It’s fun hanging out with you.” _Liar_ , the voice in his head screamed, _it’s fun kissing him and you know it._

It looked like Keith didn’t trust himself to smile, his frown twitching as he fought to keep the serious expression.

“I miss hanging out with you.” He confessed, the admission seemingly taking him by surprise as he lost the battle with his face, a small smile turning up the corners of his lips.

“See, it’s win-win.” Lance blustered on, eyes flicking between Keith’s eyes and his lips, noting the change in expression and wondering if it boded well for him. His heart had been thumping loudly in his chest from the moment he’d sat down on the bed and it was getting harder to think clearly as his thoughts were being replaced one by one with _kiss Keith kiss Keith kiss Keith_.

“I bet you miss other things too,” he added, leaning a fraction closer and hoping to any space-gods out there he wasn’t pushing his luck.

Keith had closed his eyes, the pained expression on his face causing Lance a momentary pang of regret before he realised with a shrug that he could probably fix it.

With his pulse racing in his ears and his heart in his throat, Lance closed the last distance between them.   

Everything felt right, so far as following his instincts went. He was lying half on top of Keith, one hand still resting on his shoulder from where he’d knocked him down and the other was moving steadily lower, his fingertips brushing over the waistband of Keith’s pants as their mouths moved together.

Keith was responding to him, shifting to get comfortable without breaking their kiss. Lance could feel a hand sliding over his hip, the gentle pressure grounding him as he angled to deepen the kiss.

He had turned off his brain, ignoring the confused thoughts as they popped up. Because he was kissing Keith again and it felt _good_.

“ _Lance_ ,” Keith moaned into his mouth, his fingers curling to grip him tightly and it ignited a tiny spark of panic in his chest. This was fast moving in a direction where Lance felt completely out of his depth and he broke the kiss, turning to hide his face over Keith’s shoulder as he caught his breath.

“You ok?” he heard Keith ask quietly. Lance had gone tense and quiet and when he made no reply Keith began to withdraw from him, gently pushing him away until Lance turned and he could slide free.

“I’m sorry,” It was unbelievable but Keith was apologising to him again. Lance couldn’t believe his ears as he curled up on Keith’s bed and listened. “I can’t keep doing this to you. I’ll…I’ll leave.”

He felt the bed shift as Keith moved and Lance turned around to grab his wrist, holding him back.

“Are you kidding me right now Mullet?” he noticed Keith flinch at the name and he paused, giving him a light tug as he corrected himself, “ _Keith_.” He couldn’t say what he wanted to say. The “ _I want to do it. Stop giving me the cold shoulder and kiss me”_ he kept locked away for now, instead settling for the obvious as he gestured around them, “This is _your room_.”

Keith spun slowly towards him, eyes fixed on where Lance still had his fingers wrapped around his wrist.

“Our room.” He said softly, barely audible as Lance released him. “This was your room too.”

Lance felt his eyes go wide as the full force of the words hit him. He hadn’t noticed before but now that he was looking he could see little things of his scattered around. Like his missing jacket hanging on a hook by the door. There was also a faded blue paladin blanket bunched up at the end of the bed and as his gaze moved over to the bedside table he saw something he had never expected to see again: a photo of his family.   

“How?” he asked, crawling towards the photo and reaching out with shaking fingers to touch it.

“How?” he repeated, turning to Keith for an explanation.

“Pidge.” He said simply.

“That little space gremlin made a converter to charge our phones,” He moved to sit on the far end of the bed, watching Lance as he picked up the sheet of clear crystal the photo seemed to be embedded in, bringing it closer to examine the faces he hadn’t seen in so long.

“You were the one who asked about printing out photos. It only took her a week and she managed to work out how to transfer the data to the ships computer. The rest is Altean tech.”

Lance put the photo down again, carefully arranging it so that it could be seen from the bed. He felt vulnerable and embarrassed about his behaviour and tried to make light of it.

“Figures. She’s a bit of a prodigy, that one.”

“Lance.” Keith’s voice carried a warning, a soft undertone of care but Lance ignored it.

“Bit of a loose cannon sometimes though.”

_“Lance.”_

He finally turned to look at Keith and he was surprised to see how much self-control it was taking for Keith to not reach out to him; he was clenching his hands in his lap, staying at the other end of the bed as he heaved a deep sigh.

“We need to talk.”

#

Lance rearranged the pillows, propping up the red one to lean against as he hugged the blue pillow to his chest and waited for Keith to start talking.

It was taking him a while to work up to it, dragging a hand through his hair distractedly as he stood up, paced for a bit before sitting back down, repeating the entire operation twice before Lance called him to attention.

“Spit it out, Keith. What’s on your mind?”

Lance was getting impatient, eyes trained on Keith as he turned to face him squarely. He had nodded once, like he’d just made up his mind about something before blurting out “I think we should stay away from each other for a while” at the same time as Lance said “I think I should move back to this room”.

“What?” they both asked at once, confusion clouding Keith’s face and a look of ire settling on Lance’s.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Lance demanded indignantly as Keith gaped at him open-mouthed.

“No! You’re…” he looked lost for a moment, swaying indecisively on the spot.

“I’m…” he tried again, shooting another confused look at Lance as he crossed his arms and pouted at him.

“That’s pretty cold, Keith. I might not have memories but I have feelings, y’know.”

“Of course you do!” Keith exploded, finally working out what he was trying to say.

“I’m trying to _protect_ your feelings!” he sunk back onto the bed.

“I know it’s not like that for you but…when you’re close like this…” he trailed off, one hand rubbing over his eyes in such a Shiro-move that Lance felt a smile tug at his lips.

“I can’t help myself when I’m around you.” He finished with a sigh.  

“Hey,” Lance stretched out to poke Keith’s hip with his pointed toes, smiling wider when Keith grabbed his foot and held it still after the third prod.

“What?” Keith asked miserably, finally looking over at him and noting with further confusion the smirk on his face.

“I’m doing it on purpose.” Lance watched in amusement as Keith’s face underwent a few rapid changes of emotion.

“You…on purpose… _what_?” He finally asked, face once again a mask of confusion but with an edge of anger this time.

“I’ve been getting all up in your business on purpose; it just kinda _feels_ right, y’know?”

Lance watched Keith process that bombshell, his eyes flicking between him and the floor several times before he stood up and turned to him with surprising calmness.

“Do you mean to say,” he began slowly, his voice low and measured as he took a step closer, “That I have been _busting my balls_ to keep my hands off you,”

A chill ran down his spine as Lance hugged his pillow tighter, Keith taking another step forward as he continued.  “And this whole time you’ve been _deliberately provoking me_?”

Lance gulped, not sure how to defuse the suddenly enraged red paladin and silently wishing that he had kept his big mouth shut.

“Not the _whole time_ , just like, today, a bit,” he backpedalled, clutching the pillow like it was a shield that would protect him from Keith’s wrath.

“I just thought that maybe it would help if things went back to normal.” He finished, waiting to see how Keith would react.

“Back to normal.” He was repeating in astonishment, unable to look Lance in the eye. “You don’t even know what normal _is_.” Keith stressed, one hand dragging through his hair as he turned away from Lance to pace again.  

“Because no one will _tell me_!” Lance objected loudly, and Keith finally looked at him.

“Fine.” He said, stalking closer and reaching out to grab Lance’s chin, tilting his face up to stare down at him.

Lance felt his eyes go wide as Keith took a steadying breath, clearly trying to get a hold of himself as the storm of emotions showing on his face battled for dominance. “ _Fine_. You want to know what normal is?” he rounded on him, arms crossed over his chest as he narrowed his eyes at him.

“ _Normal_ is finding you whenever I beat a new level on the training deck because I want to tell you first.”

Lance blinked up at him silently, but before he could reply Keith was continued, the stern look already fading as his arms fell to his sides.

“ _Normal_ is you grabbing me whenever we pass in the halls.” Keith’s gaze had shifted, no longer looking him in the eye as he added, in a much softer voice, “Normal is going to bed together every night.”

The silence that fell felt heavy, and Lance could feel his apology stuck in his throat, but Keith wasn’t finished yet. He was looking at him again, taking a half step towards Lance as he seemingly unconsciously reached out.

“Normal is waking up in the middle of the night with you whispering to me how scared you are I’ll leave you, because you’re so insecure and anxious you don’t realise I never, ever could.”

Lance shrank under the weight of his guilt at Keith’s confessions. He had bent lower, thumb brushing Lance’s lower lip as he hovered over him. “You don’t have a single secret that I don’t know.”

“Even…?” Lance asked hesitantly, several incredibly embarrassing things immediately coming to mind. Surely Lance wouldn’t have told Keith about the time he had been using the computer lab to surf for porn and had accidently virused the Garrison’s network, resulting in two days of PT training while the techs tried desperately to debug the system. He hadn’t even admitted that to _Hunk_. And there was no way he would have confessed that he had always dreamed of being a fighter pilot, and that when he’d failed to earn a place in the fighter program he had cried for weeks.

He paled as a flood of other secrets from the garrison flooded back one by one. The admiration he had felt for Keith, how it had slowly turned into an obsession that saw Lance memorising his schedule to make sure that he could pass him in the halls every day. How Lance had waited for Keith’s results each semester just as anxiously as he waited for his own. Surely he hadn’t blabbed all of his humiliating hero-worship antics to Keith?

In response to Lance’s frozen deer-in-headlights look Keith was smiling, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before he whispered, “Everything, Lance.”

Lance shrank back, momentarily overwhelmed. He felt naked; stripped bare and vulnerable as Keith smirked at him.  

_Holy quiznak,_ he thought as he watched Keith with wide eyes _. I am in way over my head._

#

Lance had felt the heat in his cheeks as Keith’s smirk morphed into something sexier. He’d never given too much thought to the expression “bedroom eyes” before but if such a thing existed surely Keith was making them now.

“I’m gonna just...” Lance twisted away to shuffle awkwardly off the bed, trying to avoid eye contact as he fled to the door.

If he’d looked back he would have seen Keith’s shoulders slump, his disappointment rolling off him in waves as he did the precise thing he had been trying to avoid: scaring Lance into running away from him.

It had freaked him out to be honest.  While Lance had been able to admit to himself how much he seemed to enjoy kissing Keith, the ramifications of being in an actual real relationship were throwing him for a loop.

There were things Lance kept hidden, worries and insecurities that he kept to himself because admitting them out loud was too mortifying to bear. This was more than Lance was prepared to deal with and he escaped to his room, _my old room_ , he thought automatically, and collapsed on his bed.

Lying face down with his face pressed into his pillow he thought about what Keith had said about not sleeping at night. About insecurities and anxiety and dear _god_ did he really know _everything_? Because Lance was sure that he would have never admitted that to _anyone_. Had he really trusted Keith that much?

It certainly seemed that way.

Well, shit.

#

“Lance. You’re up early.” Shiro greeted Lance at the breakfast table, his surprised look mirrored on Hunk’s face as he took his seat.

“Yeah, I had a great night’s sleep.” He said offhandedly, reaching for the food goo to ladle a portion onto his plate.

“Really?” Hunk asked, nose scrunched in confusion, “I heard you coming back from the kitchen at like 2am.”

Lance froze, smile fixed in place as he thought fast. The truth was he hadn’t been able to sleep, not without being wiped out by Pidge’s handy NPA, and as he lay in bed, thoughts fluctuating between mortification that Keith seemed to know _way too much_ and memories of Keith being soft and warm and pinned under him on Keith’s bed ( _their bed_ ) he had eventually given up trying to sleep and ended up wandering the halls until he was too tired to keep his eyes open anymore.

“Uh, after that, I slept great.” To his relief nobody questioned his lie and soon they were joined by the rest of the team.

“Nearly time to test your moves.” Hunk said appreciatively, and Lance felt his nervous energy return. He didn’t know what to expect from today but he was more than a little excited to find out.

The entrance of Keith put a halt on more intelligent thought as he turned his eyes back towards his breakfast goo.

“Morning,” Keith greeted Lance in a quiet voice, unobtrusively taking the seat next to him and maintaining a polite distance as Lance tried to decide how to react to him.

“Morning!” He managed to say brightly.

 _Fuck it_ , he thought wildly. Fake-it-til-you-make-it had always worked for him in the past, no reason it should magically stop working now.

To his alarm Keith turned to look at him, raising his eyebrows questioningly. “You’re pretty cheerful this morning.” he commented lightly.

Lance laughed nervously, eyes darting around the table to see if anyone else was paying attention. “Sure,” he said loudly enough for anyone to hear. “Big day today.”

To his relief Keith didn’t question him further and he let himself be absorbed in the discussion Shiro was having with Coran on the nature of today’s training. It seemed like Shiro wanted to dial back the intensity until Lance had got his head around the basics again and he almost felt offended that they were babying him so much.

With a frown he raised another spoonful of goo to his lips, determined that he would blow them all out of the water.

 _I got this_ , he thought, bristling under the patient look Shiro was giving him.

#

 _I don’t got this_ , he thought, sprawled on his back as he stared up at the distant ceiling of the training deck.

“I can take it back down another level.” Coran’s voice offered helpfully over the speakers, and Lance struggled to his feet to wave off the suggestion.

“No, I almost had it that time.” He turned to face the others, carefully avoiding making eye contact as he squared up against the training droid again.

They’d given up on pitting him one-on-one with the other paladins after he had panicked and punch Hunk in the face, giving him an impressive black eye. Lance had apologised profusely, Hunk had waved off his concerns and gone to find a cooling pack and Shiro had insisted that until he stopped freaking out he was only going to be hitting the droid.

So far it was not going well. Lance felt a rush of thoughts he couldn’t keep up with when faced with close combat. His mind seemed to run over so many possibilities and actions that by the time he’d examined them he was either already knocked off his feet or he had acted impulsively and taken out one of his teammates in an impressive but uncontrolled flailing of his limbs.

“Maybe we rushed you into this,” Shiro was suggesting gently and Lance shook his head violently.

“One more. Come on, gimme another chance.” Lance swung around to face the droid again, eyeing it cautiously as he heard Shiro heave a resigned sigh.

“Alright Lance, one more.” he confirmed, gesturing for Coran to start the program up again.

“You can do it Lance!” Hunk called out encouragingly and Lance turned to see he had returned, now holding a blue pack over his bruised face and waving supportively with his free hand.

Turning back to the droid and stepping closer, Lance eyed his opponent speculatively. Behind him Keith drifted closer, careful to stay out of range but edging nearer as Lance blocked a punch thrown at him by the droid.

“Good one.” Both Shiro and Keith said at the same time, and Shiro turned in surprise as Keith moved closer still.

“Just get out of your head and go with your instincts,” Keith said as he moved around them, easily ducking out of the way as Lance blocked again.

“Easy...for you…to say!” Lance replied as he tried to fight back, but his movements lacked purpose, glancing off the droid without gaining him any ground.

“Come on, Lance,” Keith encouraged, “You know what to do.”

Keith’s voice was directly behind him now and he swung around blindly, throwing an arm out that blocked the punch Keith had thrown at him.

“Good,” Keith drew in closer, Lance stumbling backwards as he closed the gap between them.

At a gesture from Shiro the program ended, the droid forgotten as Keith threw another slow punch that Lance easily blocked.

“Again.” Keith threw another, faster this time and it glanced off the arm Lance ducked behind. “Stop running. Fight back.”

The attacks stopped and for a moment they were both still until with a cry Lance launched himself at Keith. A quick _left, right, block_ , duck around the kick Keith levelled at him, fists raised to recommence his attack. Keith smiled, dropping his stance for a moment to rub at his shoulder where Lance had briefly broken through his block.

“Better. Again.”

Lance wondered if Keith meant to sound so patronizing or if it was just his defaults setting. In any case, it was goading him into action.

“Waddaya mean ‘ _better’_ ,” he blocked high and then low, knowing the kick was next but instead of blocking he countered it with one of his own. “I’m kicking your ass.”

Keith seemed amused at that; a tiny little smirk was just twitching at his lips. “I’m going easy on you.”

“Whatever Keith. Just admit it,” he scoffed as another jab glanced off Keith’s blocking arm, “I’m totally awesome and you can’t handle it.”

Suddenly it felt like the ground was pulled out from under him; he was flailing, falling backwards and Keith followed him down to pin him with one hand loosely around his throat.

“Heh, don’t tell me I’m into this kinky shit.” He joked, laughing until he saw the blush slowly creeping up Keith’s neck until he was a nice shade of red.

“That was a joke! Joking! I don’t want to know!” he slammed his hands over his ears as Keith let go, eyes screwed shut and wishing the ground would just open up and swallow him.

Thankfully Shiro’s voice was calling out over the helpless laughter of Hunk and Pidge. “Okay, good practice guys. Let’s take a break and meet back here in an hour.”

Keith had fallen back as soon as Shiro had called off the training, quickly stalking from the room and disappearing into the hall beyond. Lance lay on the floor, arms falling wide as he stared up at the distant ceiling and tried to ignore the voices around him.

 _Nice going, Lance,_ he mentally berated himself. It had been going so well, he had finally felt like he knew what he was doing. Why did he have to say things? By giving over to his instincts he had lost the ability to filter the shit that came out of his mouth and he hoped his stupid joke hadn’t pushed Keith further away.

He was pulled from these thoughts when he heard his name mentioned, and he turned to look over at the other paladins without sitting up.

“Yes? I heard my name, are we talking about me?”

“Not everything is about you, Lance.” Pidge shot back, her eyeroll just visible as he shrugged and climbed to his feet.

“Yes but, uh, in this case yes we were talking about you.” Hunk added with a glance at Pidge.

“Specifically, we were discussing your bayard and if we’re ready to let you shoot things yet.”

“Huh? Why wouldn’t you?” Lance asked blankly as Hunk stared back at him, squinting through his puffy swollen eye.

“Of course we’re going to give it back to you, but I think you should do some more training first.”

#

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been months I'm so ashamed. When I checked this chapter was almost completely written, it just needed an edit -_-;  
> I've been hella distracted by uni, other stories and mental breakdowns, not necessarily in that order.

# Chapter 6

“You’re definitely getting the hang of it,” Shiro commented from the sidelines, and Lance smirked as he blocked another kick from Keith.

“Of course,” he scoffed. “Better watch out Keith – you’re not going to be on top forever.”

Keith stumbled as he swung around, eyes wide and distracted, he didn’t react to Lance’s low sweep that knocked him to the floor. Lance followed him down, kneeling over him and pinning his wrists as he grinned happily.

“See? I knew I was better at this than Keith!” he crowed triumphantly, but as his eyes dropped to Keith’s face he realised that his victory might not have been legitimately won. There was a spot of colour in Keith’s cheeks that made Lance sit up immediately, hands flying from him like he’d been burned as he scrambled off the other paladin.

_Why does this keep happening?_

He was distracted by the screen flickering to life, Allura’s face suddenly looking down on them as her voice echoed in the room.

“Paladins, it shouldn’t interrupt your training but we’re about to pass by some strong magnetic…waves…” she trailed off, clearing confused by the scene in the training room. “Is everything all right down there?”

Shiro stepped forward as Lance and Keith steadfastly refused to look at each other. “Everything’s fine, princess. What were you saying?”

“Riiiight…” she seemed unconvinced as Pidge dissolved into giggles but she soon returned to her usual business-like tone as she continued, “As I was saying, the electromagnetic waves can sometimes affect our systems so I wanted to warn you in advance.”

“Girl, you know you’re always affecting _my_ system.” Lance winked up at the display as Allura rolled her eyes at him.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Shiro called over the collective groans, and Lance grinned as he turned to look back over at Keith. That should have got them back on track, because Lance’s stupid one-liners had always been something everyone could count on, so why was Keith giving him a death-glare, arms crossed and body turned away. He’d just been trying to lighten the mood a little, what was Keith’s problem _now_? The plan had been to continue their training, but despite Lance’s best efforts Keith had remained in a bad mood and as the sparring continued his irritation was starting to rub off on Lance.  

“I’m ready for quiznakkings sake, will you just pleas- _oof_!” Lance fell to the ground, winded by the roundhouse kick Keith had just levelled him with. This was the third time Keith hadn’t pulled back and Lance was pretty sure he’d just earned another bruise.

Keith shot him a look with narrowed eyes. “We’ll tell you when you’re ready,” he said coldly, and to everyone’s surprise he bailed on them again, stalking from the training room with shoulders squared.

“What’s his problem?” Lance groaned, one hand on the back of his neck as he tilted his head from side to side. “I thought I was finally getting the hang of this.”

“I think we’ve trained enough for today,” Shiro announced, and three pairs of eyes looked at him in various states of disbelief. Was he really going to just ignore the fact that Keith had walked out on them twice in as many hours?

“Well I’m starving,” Hunk announced in the awkward silence that fell. “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the kitchen.”

“Yeah,” Lance climbed gingerly to his feet, brushing off his paladin armour and following after Hunk. “I think I’ll hit the showers. Gotta assess the damage.” His grin turned into a wince as his hand brushed over his side, but he waved off the concern with assurances that he was fine, really. Just his ego was bruised. Pidge was the last to move, jolted from her thoughts as Shiro turned back to ask if she was coming.

“Yeah, I’ll see you at dinner,” she said evasively, although by the soft look Shiro aimed her way, she could tell he knew where she was going.

## #

Pidge blew her bangs out of her eyes, her exasperation with Keith mounting by the second. A few seconds with the wall panel was all she needed and Keith’s door whooshed open.

“You know I can hack any door in the castle, right?” Pidge said over the groan of annoyance that floated out from the dark room.

“Yeah, well, even if it doesn’t keep you out, a locked door sends a message doesn’t it?” Keith’s voice was muffled, and as Pidge turned on the lights she sighed at the bundle in the middle of the bed.

“Is the message ‘I’m a socially awkward introvert who doesn’t know how to ask his friends for help’?” she asked sardonically, plonking down on the end of the bed hard enough to make the blanket pile bounce.

“Go away Pidge,” he warned, but there was no sting to it.

Pidge took hold of the blanket, pulling it away to reveal Keith curled up on his side, head ducking under an arm as the harsh overhead lights reached his eyes.

“What’s up buddy?” she asked, completely undeterred and determined to sort out whatever was bugging Keith now. She was rewarded with a long-suffering sigh, although he still remained in his defensive pose.

“Lance doesn’t remember,” he finally said, and Pidge couldn’t help a dramatic eye roll before she poked him in the shoulder.

“Um, we know that. That’s what this whole thing is about isn’t it?” she said, trying for the sake of her friend to keep most of the patronising tone from her voice.

“No, you don’t understand,” Keith was slowly uncurling, and as he uncovered his face Pidge was startled to see tear tracks on his cheeks. “That day, when Lance was injured, we—“ he stopped, and Pidge watched as his eyes filled with fresh tears again before he turned his face away. “We had a fight, Pidge.”

She knew she should say something comforting, some platitude about how they had always had disagreements and gotten through them, but something about Keith’s distress stopped the words before they could form. Keith wasn’t going to be comforted by false promises. Everyone on the castle ship knew it wasn’t always smooth sailing with Keith and Lance. If Keith was this upset, it must have been major this time, and for the first time since Lance’s initial recovery she felt a real twinge of worry.

“I might not be much help but...do you want to talk about it?” she offered hesitantly, and to her great relief Keith was struggling to sit upright, dragging the blanket but up to hug as he began to finally unburden the worries and doubts that had been plaguing him since the accident. Because nine days ago, Keith had watched his world crashing down around him.

## #

“Well that’s just typical, Keith. Way to over-react and ruin everything.” Lance said with an angry gesture and Keith frowned, hands balling into fists as he struggled to keep his cool. He wasn’t _over-reacting_ ; yesterday he’d walked in on Lance getting very cozy with one of the flirtier members of the diplomatic envoy they had been entertaining. With a drink in his hand and an arm around their shoulders, Lance had looked completely in his element as the suggestive comment rolled off his tongue. The pretty alien had preened, turning towards him and as Keith watched, horrified, they kissed Lance. Keith had seen red. Without consciously thinking it he had snatched away Lance’s drink, throwing the contents in his face before storming off. Despite the envoy taking their leave that night, the situation between them hadn’t settled and Keith wondered if anyone else had noticed the tension yet, because he couldn’t even look at Lance without wanted to punch him in his stupid, flirty mouth.

Because right now Lance was standing in the middle of their room, arms crossed defensively as he insisted that “ _nothing happened_ ”.  

“No, it’s fine,” Keith said, turning away so that he didn’t have to see his boyfriend’s face spouting lies at him. “You’ve always been like this. It’s my fault for believing you would actually be faithf—“

“ _Don’t_.” The single word cut him off and the silence that fell was thick with tension. “Don’t you dare.” The words were a strained whisper and they goaded Keith into retorting.

“Well what am I supposed to think, Lance?”

Lance screwed his eyes shut, one hand passing over his eyes like he could just wipe the bad memories away and be done with it.

“I’m sorry, ok? All I can say is I didn’t think it would go that far. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

“Maybe,” Keith began icily, and he saw Lance flinch at his harsh tone, “if you didn’t _flirt_ with every new alien species we encounter this _wouldn’t happen.”_  

Lance’s shoulders slumped as Keith’s words rolled over him. “I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Keith shook his head, emotions in turmoil. He hated seeing Lance like this, he knew Lance cared for him and that deep down he really didn’t mean to make these messes. But Keith had feelings too and he had reached his breaking point.

“Well when you work it out come and tell me. Until then maybe we should give each other some space.”

“What?” Keith flinched, an involuntary action at the hurt in Lance’s voice. They had argued before, hell, they’d had _this_ argument before, but never had either of them suggested taking a break. “Are you breaking up with me?”

There it was: his out. Keith knew this was Lance’s greatest fear, that niggling thought that people only put up with him and that eventually they would all get tired of him and leave. Keith had lost count of the number of times he had wrapped his arms around the other boy, cradled him tenderly and whispered assurances that Lance was wonderful and loved and Keith would never, ever, leave him.

But Lance wasn’t the only one who suffered doubts. It was hard to stand by stoically while your partner made offhanded quips and flashed his winning smile around. Harder still when there was winking involved. Keith thought he deserved a medal for the number of occasions he had bit his tongue as Lance flirted with every pretty alien they met.

He knew it was a coping mechanism. He knew it was meaningless.

It still hurt like a knife in his heart. Every single time.

## #

“And then we had to just jump in our lions and pretend nothing had happened,” Keith said glumly, watching Pidge for a reaction as he finished the abridged version of the fight. A frown creased her youthful face, and for a moment he felt like she was going to tell him off for endangering them. What if they’d needed to form Voltron and couldn’t? But fortunately she was waving his apologies away as Pidge patted him awkwardly on the shoulder.

“I won’t lecture you; that’s Shiro’s job.” He winced, hoping that she wouldn’t blab but knowing that he probably deserved it after putting the team in danger like that. “But I wish you’d talked to someone about this sooner,” she said with a sigh, and Keith silently agreed. Now that he’d voiced his fears, they were no longer a sickening weight in his stomach, although he couldn’t help wondering that if he had unburdened himself on Shiro if he might have got something a little more comforting than the awkward pat Pidge was giving him. He could have told Hunk. He bet Hunk would have hugged him before he’d even finished. This train of though was interrupted as Pidge stood up abruptly.

“This is brilliant!” she said loudly, and Keith stared up at her in disbelief. She paled under her freckles, hands waving in his face as she quickly explained her outburst. “I mean, this gives me a new idea on how to recover Lance’s memories!” Keith continued to stare, her meaning becoming clearer as she explained but it was too horrible to think about. “Memories that are accompanied by intense emotions are often coded stronger. Now that we know that Lance likely has a strong memory encoded from before the accident, we can aim towards recovering the memory and hopefully build a bridge to other, earlier memories.”

“No.” Keith couldn’t even shake his head, he was too stunned at the suggestion. “We can’t, Pidge, it was _horrible_! I won’t make him remember that!”  

“You were upset, Lance will understand,” she shrugged, completely unfazed. “This will help, trust me.” She nodded to herself, plans already forming as she readjusted her glasses. “I’ve got to get some things ready but I think we can try this tomorrow. Keith,” he jumped as she rounded on him, eyes shining with excitement. “We’re going to try the mind meld thing tomorrow, and it’s going to work.”

Keith watched Pidge disappear down the hall, her enthusiasm spilling over as she practically skipped away. Her logic made sense, and he didn’t have enough knowledge about the brain to argue with her. But it bothered him that to help Lance remember would mean hurting him again.

Hurting Lance was the last thing Keith had ever wanted to do but lately it seemed like all he was good for. He just didn’t know how to act around this Lance. All he wanted was for things to be the way they had always been, but if Lance remembered everything would he even want him back?

He sighed as he crossed his room, rubbing at his cheeks impatiently with the back of his hand as he reached the still wide-open door. When the door didn’t close at his first swipe of the panel he didn’t think anything of it, but when a second attempt yielded the same result he stuck his head around the bulkhead to check the panel on the outside. Altean symbols lit up the small panel in red, and with a sinking feeling Keith realised that Pidge hadn’t just unlocked his door; she had literally hacked it to be ‘open’.

“ _Piiiidge_.” His groan of annoyance echoed of the metal corridor walls. How was he supposed to sleep tonight with a door that wouldn’t close?  Grabbing a change of clothes he headed out for the showers. There was no point stressing about it now. He’d just have to corner her at dinner and insist she come and fix it.

## #

Pidge did not show up for dinner.

Keith had shown up early to the dining hall, the first one to arrive in fact, and he had been listening to Coran explaining the difference between the pink and the green food goos for what felt like an ice age. Eventually the rest of the team had turned up, including a very dejected looking Lance but minus one Tiny Mad Genius. Keith sighed, tapping his spoon against the edge of his plate and wishing that he had half of Pidge’s talent with computers. If he could get the castle to pinpoint the little gremlins location he would march down there and—

“—you think, Keith?”

He looked up, face blank as Shiro eyed him from the other end of the table.

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” he said, not wanting to admit that he’d been spacing out and hoping that was an appropriate response for whatever Shiro had asked. It worried him how Lance had perked up at his words, and his suspicions were confirmed as Shiro continued.

“Alright then, we’ll try some simulations tomorrow. You’ll find your bayard a bit different from before Lance, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in no time.”

“Has anyone seen Pidge?” Keith asked loudly, cutting off Lance’s enthusiastic “All right!” and turning his shoulder so he couldn’t see the hurt look on his face.

“Not since training. She’ll be around here somewhere.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Keith heaved a sigh. Oh well. Time for Plan B. 

## #

Keith had escaped from dinner as soon as he could. He was too busy worrying about where he was going to sleep tonight, and as he let the worry grow in his mind he pushed down the fears that lurked beneath the surface.

He knew he was avoiding the real worry; whatever Pidge was concocting for tomorrow. If it helped Lance then of course he wanted to help, but would it help Lance? Or was it just going to hurt him even more?

He shook his head, deliberately focusing back on the lesser of his two problems right now. He could try and drag her back to fix it if only he knew where she’d disappeared to. With a new project on her radar she could be literally anywhere in the castle, gathering parts and scheming over her creations. It was pointless trying to find her tonight; he’d just have to corner her after breakfast. That left the problem of where to sleep tonight.

He knew there were other bedrooms, however he had no idea how to access them. He could always go to Allura and ask her to open one of the spare rooms for him, but the thought of having to explain why he needed another room was enough to put him off that idea. It had been hard enough unburdening on one person; he didn’t want to go over it all again so soon, and certainly not with Allura who would no doubt make a huge deal out of it.

He reached for his pillow, fingers brushing over the red fabric even as his eyes fell on the blue pillow lying innocently next to it. It made him pause for a moment, and a moment was all it took for his gaze to shift to the photo on the nightstand.

He felt like he knew Lance’s family already. He’d heard so much about all of them; Lance loved to reminisce and Keith loved to listen to Lance. It had been his intention to tell him to take the photo, but Lance’s visit to their room had ended so abruptly that he hadn’t had the opportunity.

Well he could remedy that now, couldn’t he? Swiping up the photograph, he threw a disdainful look back at the locked open door before heading down the corridor towards Lance’s room, his pillow wedged under his arm. He would give the photo to Lance and then go and sleep in the common room. It was less than ideal, but with a good distance between the sofa and the doors, at least he’d have fair warning if anything went bump in the night, right?

## #

Lance was jolted from his thoughts by the knock on his door, and when he opened it he was momentarily stunned to find Keith standing outside his room holding a pillow under his arm. It seemed like such an unlikely thing for Keith to do that he just stared at him before blurting out, “Are you lost?”

Keith grimaced, and Lance was quick to apologise.

“Sorry, you just surprised me. Are we having a sleepover or something?”

Keith’s eyes dropped to the pillow he was carrying and with a start he realised that this must look very strange.

“No, I’m not staying, I just…fuck.” Flustered and unsure how to continue, he ended his sentence before it could get any further away from him, holding out the photograph for Lance to take. “I was just bringing you this. I thought,” he chanced a look up and saw Lance’s eyes widen as they fell on the photo. “I thought you might want to keep it with you.” Lance took it carefully in both hands, eyes closing as he cradled it to his chest.

“Thank you,” he said, the words soft and heartfelt, and Keith shuffled from foot to foot. He looked so awkward that Lance felt a surge of pity for him. He’d been so set on regaining his memories and getting everything back to normal that he’d been blind to Keith’s feelings on the matter. He couldn’t undo the last few days but he could at least show some mercy. “So why the pillow?” he asked in what he hoped was a friendly, not-flirty way. Keith glanced down at it again, a slight frown creasing his face before he seemed to come to a decision.

“Pidge broke my door — its stuck open.” He said it with such a straight face that Lance fought to keep the laugh bubbling up under control. “I was going to sleep in the common room.”

“But you won’t be able to sleep there, it’s too exposed,” Lance objected, and it wasn’t until Keith gaped at him, mouth open in surprise that Lance realised he’d said something weird. “I mean, y’know, all that training at the garrison, gotta be alert to your surroundings and all that…” Lance trailed off as the look on Keith’s face softened to something else. He looked almost _fond_.

“I forget sometimes,” Keith said quietly, and the smile on his lips was the most genuine Lance could ever remember seeing. “You were always paying attention, weren’t you? Even then.”

Deciding on a strategic retreat for now, Lance bought time by arranging the photograph on his nightstand. It was true; he’d watched Keith Kogane like a hawk from the day he’d commenced at the garrison. It had been admiration back then. Keith was everything he wished he was: a great pilot, everyone looked up to him, and he had a casually aloof personality that was the polar opposite of Lance’s brash class clown act. It wasn’t hard to cover up his obsession under the guise of a rivalry. It seemed important that Lance knew every one of his rivals strengths and weaknesses, and it was on a camping trip in their first semester that Lance had discovered that Keith did not do well in wide open spaces. He turned back to gauge Keith’s reaction to his silence, and was bothered to see that Keith was looking uncomfortable again.

“How about a truce for tonight?” Bestowing him with a brilliant smile, Lance gestured for Keith to come in.

“A truce?” Keith asked uncertainly, still hovering in the doorway.

“Look, we both know you won’t get any sleep in the common room. So stay here tonight, and I promise,” he crossed over his heart, “that I won’t provoke you or anything.”

Keith was just staring at him blankly, and for a moment Lance wondered if he’d heard him or not, but then he laughed, actually threw back his head and _laughed_ and the sound was the most joyous thing Lance had ever heard.

“You’re unbelievable.” He was shaking his head, tears of mirth in his eyes. He took a step forward, actually in Lance’s room now as he continued. “And where am I going to sleep in here, genius?” he asked, but Lance just shrugged it off.

“I don’t mind sharing.” He narrowed his eyes for a moment as he added, “You’re not a blanket hog are you?”

“Me?” Keith asked incredulously. “I don’t want to hear that from Mr Wraps-himself-up-like-a-burrito!” he missed the stunned look on Lance’s face as he crossed to the bed, opening a drawer with a press of his toe.

“Good, it’s still here,” he said, dumping his pillow on the bed before bending to extract a red blanket from the compartment.

“Well I’m all set. Last chance to back out.”

## #

 _Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all,_ Lance thought, shifting to get comfortable and bumping into Keith again.

Lance had insisted that they sleep head-to-foot, imagining that not being able to see Keith’s face might somehow make this less awkward than it suddenly felt, but after hitting the lights and climbing into bed the reality of his situation was crashing down on him.

Despite his initial misgivings, Keith had settled in quickly. Too quickly. Honestly, when Keith wasn’t being offended by every little thing Lance did it was infuriating how comfortable he was around him.

Especially when Lance still felt so unsure about how he felt around Keith.

“ _Laaance_. Y _er cousins_.” Keith’s sleepy mumble held a note of exasperation, and Lance froze as he felt a hand rest on his calf. How did Keith know about that?

He shifted to peer down the bed, just able in the gloom to make out Keith’s features as he turned and snuggled against the blue blanket Lance was securely wrapped up in. Keith’s breathing had evened out again, the gentle rise and fall of his chest a comforting sight, and Lance wondered if he even realised he’d spoken aloud.

His suggestion was an old trick Lance had been doing ever since he’d left home. On long nights at the garrison, he had often listed the names of his extended family, counting down in descending age order as a sleep aid and a way to feel closer to his far-away family. It was a hell of a lot more comforting than counting sheep.

 _“Carlos_ ,” he whispered to himself, “ _Lilia, Elio, Raul-”_

_“Love you.”_

He could just hear the quiet murmur in the silence of the room, and for what felt like the hundredth time since he’d climbed into bed Lance froze, his limbs stiffening as he held his breath in the dark.

The silence was ringing in his ears as Lance felt a sense of urgency grip him. He knew what he’d heard; his heart had thumped painfully in his chest at the mumbled syllables, before his pulse had started racing and his mouth went dry. The effect of Keith’s unconsciously made confession was frightening, but already Lance was turning a new thought over. It seemed like Keith was a sleep talker. If he was very careful, maybe he’d be able to get him to say it again.

He sat up slowly, carefully wriggling out of the blanket roll and going extra slow as he pulled his leg free from under Keith’s sleep-heavy arm. So far, so good; Keith was still out like a light. Lance crawled down the bed, eyes fixed on Keith’s sleeping face as he lay down next to him.

“ _Keith_?” he whispered uncertainly. Now that he was here he had no idea how to proceed. Keith really did seem to be asleep, maybe he’d imagined it?

This line of thought was interrupted when Keith threw an arm over him. In a panic Lance dropped to the bed, rolling under Keith’s arm until his back was to Keith, hoping to feign sleep if he woke up. But all Keith did was tug him closer, one arm curled around him as a warm body pressed up against him.

“Sleep, baby.”

If he hadn’t woken him before, surely Lance was going to wake him now, because his heart beat was so loud it could probably be heard from the other side of the room. Against all odds, Keith seemed unaware, and very slowly, Lance let himself relax again.

## #

Keith tightened his arms around Lance, pulling him closer to nuzzle his soft skin. What a nightmare that had been! Fighting with Lance, Lance being injured, and then losing his memory on top of that! Thank god it had just been a bad dream, because Lance was here, soft and warm in his arms. He must still be asleep; he hadn’t stirred as Keith pressed his lips to his neck, peppering him with slow kisses until he reached his hairline and pressed his face into the soft curls there, inhaling the lingering sweet scent of Lance’s shampoo and the underlying scent of Lance himself.

“G’morning baby,” Keith crooned softly as Lance began to stir in his arms, but something was wrong. Instead of relaxing into him Lance had gone sort of rigid. Alarm bells were ringing in his mind, the last week coming back in a rush as Keith realised he had been horrifically wrong.

It hadn’t been a dream.

_Oh god it wasn’t a dream._

“Sorry!” Keith flung himself backwards, falling off the bed and crashing to the floor, his red blanket blinding him as he pulled it after him.

He could hear an awkward chuckle from somewhere above him and as he pushed the blanket to the side Lance’s flushed face came into view, peering over the edge of the bed at him curiously.

“Good morning,” he offered shyly, moving back as Keith scrambled to his feet in embarrassment.

“Sorry, again. Jeez, this is awkward.” Keith avoided looking at the bed as he picked up the blanket, quickly rolling it up into a messy bundle.

“It’s ok,” Lance tried to sound reassuring but Keith was already kicking open the under-bed compartment, shoving the blanket back in and casting fugitive looks at his pillow. 

“I didn’t mean…sorry,” he gave up on both the pillow and trying to explain, bailing before Lance could get another word in.

“Guess I’ll see you at breakfast then,” Lance told the empty hallway sadly. He watched until the door slid automatically closed, wishing for the hundredth time that things weren’t such a mess. He climbed down slowly from the bed, opening the compartment and retrieving the blanket that had been hurriedly stowed. He carefully folded it and placed the neat bundle back on the bed before arranging Keith’s red pillow next to his own. While he hadn’t exactly had the best night’s sleep, not since leaving home had he ever felt so safe, wrapped up and held close in someone’s arms.

It had felt so surreal.

Every time he had stirred in the night, Keith had held him closer. To get Keith to mumble quiet platitudes all he had to do was gently prompt him with a quiet “Keith?” and he had been nuzzled and comforted. And after doing this a few times, his confidence stoked by the warmth enveloping him he had whispered a quiet question, his heart pounding as Keith had once again replied “ _I love you.”_

## #

“Guys, I am a _genius_ ,” Pidge announced as she burst into the room, cutting off Hunk mid-sentence as he tried to cheer up an extremely glum Lance. All eyes looked up from the breakfast table as Pidge swept plates aside to make room for her laptop. “But of course, you already knew that,” she chattered on happily, “I mean, I practically prove it every _day_ , but _this_ ,” she gestured to the screen, and Lance recognised the chart he had seen her working on. “This is going to work.” When Shiro cleared his throat Pidge glanced at him, hands up as she insisted, “It’s safe!” When Shiro silently raised an eyebrow at her she sighed dramatically. “It’s _completely_ safe, no zapping — I swear on my lion!”

The tension at the table noticeably lessened and Lance, who had already been edging closer, was now sliding into the seat closest to the screen, wide-eyed and waiting for Pidge to elaborate.

“I’m listening.”

Pidge had explained how she was going to link their minds so that Lance would experience Keith’s recollections from before the accident. It hinged on Keith being willing to share his memories and as Lance looked at the closed expression on his face, arms crossed and mouth pressed into a hard line Lance sighed. It didn’t look like Keith was bringing the “open and willing” attitude Pidge had told him was a requirement for this experiment to work.

“Keith, stop pouting and put the god-damn helmet on,” Pidge said, poking the wire-framed object at Keith’s head until he snatched it out of her hands. Lance had already put his on. He was more than willing to give this a shot. He wanted to remember – needed to remember. The fact that Keith didn’t seem to want him to hurt more than he cared to admit.

“This is not gonna work,” Keith grumbled, but he put it on anyway, still frowning as Pidge flashed a thumbs up to Coran who was watching from the monitor.

“Ok, I want you both to just take a deep breath and relax,” Pidge said bossily, ignoring Keith’s comment as Lance mimicked her demonstration. “That’s it, Lance – perfect,” she said, turning to Keith next. “Now you,” she instructed, and Keith fixed her with a glare as he slowly and deliberately inhaled, letting the breath out in a rush that had Pidge rolling her eyes at him. “ _Oh for quiznaks sake_ ,” she mumbled under her breath, pinching Keith’s arm hard until he winced and tugged it away. Lance was gratified to see that he now let his hands rest on his knees instead of crossing them again.

“What should I do?” he asked.

“Both of you close your eyes,” Pidge instructed. “And Lance, I want you to empty your mind—“

“Shouldn’t be hard,” Keith commented unkindly, and Lance ignored him.

“—and just breathe slowly,” Pidge finished like Keith hadn’t interrupted. “Keith,” Lance heard a hissing sound and risked a peek with one eye to see that Pidge was pinching Keith’s arm again, “You need to pick a memory to focus on. Let it fill your mind.”

A vague picture was forming in Lance’s mind. Now it was lots of pictures, flashes of scenes like he was watching a clip show made by someone with the attention span of a goldfish. The images were becoming clearer though, he could recognise Keith and himself now. In paladin armour, on strange planets, hanging out in the castle. None of it looked familiar and it was strange to think he’d been to all these places and just couldn’t remember them.

“Pick _one_ , Keith,” Pidge’s voice echoed in his mind, and slowly the reel of images slowed to be replaced with a corridor on the castle ship.

“Look, can we just do this later?” he heard Keith say, and Lance was about to tell Keith to shut up and focus on the memory when he realised it was the memory. He could hear himself now; even _see_ himself as he reached out for Keith’s arm and memory-Keith pulled away.

“No, Keith, it has to be now,” memory-Lance insisted, but Keith had backed up to put some space between them.

“Let’s just pretend nothing happened, ok? It’ll be fine, just be your normal, idiot self and no one needs to know.” Keith had turned away, was walking away from him and Lance felt lost. The memory had already faded but the feeling of rejection, of over-whelming sadness persisted and he tugged the helmet off, climbing to his feet to escape before someone saw the tears in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank yous to everyone reading but esp to all the commenters on the last chapter. I've been so friggin down lately but fingers crossed this is an upswing because I really need a break.


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